This is the second part of another blog post I wrote on toxic masculinity. You can read that here. Overall, I think I make the points I needed to make on why it's a problem. However, since then, I've had further thoughts and experiences.
I'll start out by commenting on reactions to this blog. There was a group of people I read that blog post for, and one of them highly commended me for owning up to things I did before I was even ten. I confessed to terrible things I did as a child, but I'm not sure if I consider it owning up to my actions. Looking at ways we behaved as children and why is important in dealing with societal issues. There might be women who are extremely goth today, but as teenagers, they might have been major valley girls. At that time, they may have been doing it to try to fit in, but since then, they realized that it isn't them. The same goes for the hurtful things I did to girls during recess. It's just that my actions were hurtful to others, while wearing pink, saying 'like' all the time, and regularly buying new clothes aren't.
Shortly after writing that blog, I realized one major example of a positive version of masculinity that I forgot to include. LeVar Burton. He heavily encouraged people to be excited about reading and learning. He also had an extremely positive attitude and a gentle personality. There's a reason why including him is important. Except for Jesus, all of the men I included as examples were white. Racial diversity is important. Also, black men are given a negative image, and so having a positive example is important.
Sunday, August 6, 2023
Tuesday, November 30, 2021
A Critique of the Sex Work Industry
I want to first say that I absolutely support sex workers. I have several friends that are sex workers. This is nothing against them. Many of them have chosen that line of work because it's what they love doing. So this is nothing against sex workers. Heck, I think a lot of them will be in agreement with me on this.
Also, before people get into blaming sex workers for perpetuating sex trafficking, in countries where full service sex work is legal, victims of trafficking are more comfortable coming forward. Why? Because they have the safety of not being punished for doing sex work. Trafficking people is illegal, but fully consensual sex work is legal. I also want to point out that when I searched "Sex Work vs. Sex Trafficking," the first things to pop up were articles pointing out the difference on anti-trafficking sites.
Next, people might make all sorts of judgments about customers of sex workers, but humans were built with strong sexual needs. It's part of how we are biologically. When people are having difficulty finding a lover and going through various problems in their life, being able to hire a service that provides a needed intimacy can be extremely valuable. There are married couples that go to night clubs and onto dating sites to find a third person to bring into their bedroom, as a way to spice things up. There was someone who pointed out that it's more ethical for these sort of couples to hire a fully consenting sex worker than to try picking people up at the bars or on dating sites.
Having said all of that, here is my critique of the sex work industry.
Like many industries in our society, it is almost strictly catered to heterosexual men. When looking at websites for brothels in Nevada, they have the workers listed. All of the workers I found on all of the sites are women. Although gay and bisexual women might have the chance to enjoy the services too, there still seems to be an assumption that most of the customers are going to be cisgender men.
Strip clubs are referred to as "gentlemen's clubs," implying that these clubs are for men to attend. Yes, there are women and gender non-conforming people who go there as well, but when they're referred to as "gentlemen's clubs," you know who the assumed customers are.
There's a genre of porn called POV. POV stands for point of view. The film is from the visual perspective of the man in the video, made so that a man watching the video can imagine himself being in it. There's a minor subgenre called FPOV, which stands for female point of view. When I went onto PornHub, searching for FPOV videos, nearly all of them still focused more on showing off the woman's body. A woman viewing it would have a bit of difficulty seeing herself as the woman in the video. However, men viewing the many (and I mean many) POV videos (which maybe should actually be called MPOV?) that exist can easily see themselves in it. Heck, some of the titles have the word, "you," in there.
There is one minor exception I've seen to the sex work industry being primarily catered to heterosexual men. There are bits that are catered to gay men. There was a pornographic search engine that had videos categorized as "straight," "gay," and "trans." Straight meant that there were women in the videos. Gay meant that it was only men. Trans meant that it included transgender woman. So if a woman is in it, it's for straight people. If it's only men, it's for gay people. Why aren't videos of only women also referred to as gay? Shouldn't that be classified as gay? The assumption here is that all the viewers are male, and that woman-on-woman action is for the viewing pleasure of males. In addition to that, when I first went onto a search engine, and looked up "male strip clubs," the first thing I found was a guide to finding gay strip clubs.
So when it's not heterosexual men being catered to, it's still almost exclusively men that are being catered to. There are heterosexual women who have sexual needs too, and many of them may possibly be having difficulty getting their sexual needs fulfilled. It's true that most women have sex forced on them in some way or another. However, a lot of women have commented that safe and consensual sexual activity has been something that has helped them overcome their abuse. A service where their safety is guaranteed could be of great value for them.
I had a discussion with a couple of courtesans who work at a brothel in Nevada, along a friend of theirs. We discussed the idea of men doing full service sex work, possibly for women clients. The laws in Nevada primarily seem to keep men from being able to do it legally. I commented that there are potential dangers of having full service male sex workers in our current social climate. I pointed out that an erotic website that had women post naked selfies tried doing one of men. Disaster occurred when that happened. Even worse disaster could potentially occur from full service sex work provided by men. That friend of theirs commented, however, that such a service would probably be safer than the alternatives. She also commented that it isn't just heterosexual women who could benefit from having that sort of service. She mentioned that she's extremely queer, and that she'd be glad for such a service. Dating is difficult for her, but she still has sexual needs. She commented that there might also be lesbians who'd benefit from it too.
I will say that there are some changes happening, but at a very slow pace.
In regards to FPOV porn videos, which I mentioned above, I eventually found one FPOV video where a woman viewing it could easily see herself as the woman in the video. It was done by an amateur couple. When looking at the comments section, several women expressed major gratitude. They were excited to see one focusing on the man, but not only that, on the pleasure he was feeling. A few years later, I looked for another that might have been made since, but I found nothing. Why is there so little?
There are also a few things I've been doing. One of the reasons I became a male burlesque performer was in response to how women are sexualized almost exclusively for male pleasure. I also put together an OnlyFans page. On that page, I've made self pleasure encouragement films where I assume the viewer to be a woman. I've addressed the viewer as "my queen," "mommy," "my little princess," and other female specific terms. I once sent a mass message to my subscribers, opening with the sentence "Hello to all of you queens, empresses, and goddesses that have subscribed to my page."
Small steps have been made, but there's a lot of work that needs to be done. I'm also going to acknowledge that, like all societal changes, this can't happen overnight. It will take a lot of time. Many of it is also intertwined with other societal beliefs about gender and sexuality. However, there need to be more places where women can get a satisfying service from men, the way that men are able to get from women. Sex shouldn't just be something that is done by women for men. Women have sexual desires and needs too.
Friday, October 22, 2021
Commentary on the Porn Industry
Our society heavily objectifies women, and it is a huge problem. There isn't one thing in it to blame for that problem. It's become so deeply ingrained, going back to far before any of us were born. One place that people point to is pornography. Now, I see nothing wrong with consenting adults partaking in sexual activity with a camera in front of them, and I don't see anything wrong with them giving consent to let those videos be shown to the public. However, there is something I do have major issues with. It's the pornographic industry itself.
There are definitely problems outside of the professional porn industry of films being shown without consent, people being taken advantage of, coerced, etc. Those films should definitely not be shown or viewed. They are a problematic part of our society. However, concerning stuff from the industry, I have read interviews from women in the porn industry, and they have said that they are treated respectfully and have given consent. Some of them have commented that it's common to put together lists of things that they're comfortable with and things that they're not comfortable with. One woman even mentioned in an interview that she requires the men she'll be doing films with to give them the contact information for three women he's done films with before, as references. The stuff that goes on behind the scenes isn't the big issue I have. It's what we regularly see in the scenes that I have a big problem with.
The common scenario that I see, which is recurrent throughout a few of the examples I'll be giving, is that the woman in the film is resistant at first. It's implied that she gets into it and has a great time, but these films typically start with her resisting. Even after some of her clothes are removed, she's resistant. Sometimes, even after penetration, she's still not fully on board. There are several other films where she's coerced or blackmailed into having sex. There are other films where it's a woman doing that same stuff to a man or a boy, but that doesn't make it any better. Sexual misconduct is sexual misconduct regardless of who is perpetrating the act on who. Also, it might not be a scenario of someone screaming "no," but "no" still means "no" regardless of tone of voice. Also, anything other than "yes" is a form of "no."
One common scenario is where a man walks in on a woman sleeping. He starts touching her or penetrating her while she's asleep. Some people have pointed out that the problem isn't consent as much as it is context. There are couples that have possibly discussed the idea of one of them starting to penetrate their partner while they're sleeping. However, that context is not shown in these films. There have also been films where she wakes up, she's not into it, but he keeps going and ignores her when she says "no."
Another scenario that I have frequently seen has been a dad seducing his teenage daughter. Incest? That is definitely gross. However, there are two even bigger problems here. The big one is that although both actors are over the age of 18, it's implied that the teenage daughter is not, and that she's sleeping with someone more than twice her age. If she were over the age of 21 or so, the age difference wouldn't be a problem, but the implication is that she's still a legal minor. In addition to that is the already addressed problem. Some of these films have her being resistant at first.
Then there is the scenario of a teacher or coach seducing a student or athlete. There was a similar scenario I encountered where a police officer is about to arrest a young woman, but he offers to let her go if she sleeps with him. This film shows her saying "yes" out of fear and desperation. Sometimes, the implication is that they are college age, therefore a legal adult. However, this is still a depiction of an unfair power dynamic, and a misuse of power where the other person says "yes" out of fear of hurt from saying "no."
Even in consensual situations cheating and incest are quite common. Sometimes, it's just someone sleeping with a stepparent or a stepchild. However, that does still leave a bad taste in peoples' mouths. Why can't the story be a next door neighbor or a friend?
Another common scenario that isn't quite as bad, but is still on the frustrating end, is when someone shouts at a woman or asks a random woman on the street for sex. Maybe there is a bit of conversing. However, it's still something on the unrealistic end.
I get it. Pornography is fantasy. It's not meant to depict reality. However, our society's sex education is next to non-existent, and what we see on screen does teach and inspire our behavior in reality. People have commented on the importance of making sure that pornography is ethically sourced. However, that's only a part of it. It should also take social responsibility in how it depicts sexuality.
The people who make these films have a right to depict the scenarios they want. They have a right to free artistic expression. However, when we're trying to combat sexual abuse, continuous depiction of these sort of problematic scenarios potentially leads to more problems. Sexual ethics is not only important in what is done behind the scenes. It also is important with the scenes. However, here's separate alternative from no longer making such films.
One film that did depict one of the problematic scenarios mentioned above, that I was glad about, included a disclaimer at the beginning from the performers in the film. The two of them said at the beginning that this was a fictional situation. If these "storylines" are to continue, why not have that sort of disclaimer?
There are definitely problems outside of the professional porn industry of films being shown without consent, people being taken advantage of, coerced, etc. Those films should definitely not be shown or viewed. They are a problematic part of our society. However, concerning stuff from the industry, I have read interviews from women in the porn industry, and they have said that they are treated respectfully and have given consent. Some of them have commented that it's common to put together lists of things that they're comfortable with and things that they're not comfortable with. One woman even mentioned in an interview that she requires the men she'll be doing films with to give them the contact information for three women he's done films with before, as references. The stuff that goes on behind the scenes isn't the big issue I have. It's what we regularly see in the scenes that I have a big problem with.
The common scenario that I see, which is recurrent throughout a few of the examples I'll be giving, is that the woman in the film is resistant at first. It's implied that she gets into it and has a great time, but these films typically start with her resisting. Even after some of her clothes are removed, she's resistant. Sometimes, even after penetration, she's still not fully on board. There are several other films where she's coerced or blackmailed into having sex. There are other films where it's a woman doing that same stuff to a man or a boy, but that doesn't make it any better. Sexual misconduct is sexual misconduct regardless of who is perpetrating the act on who. Also, it might not be a scenario of someone screaming "no," but "no" still means "no" regardless of tone of voice. Also, anything other than "yes" is a form of "no."
One common scenario is where a man walks in on a woman sleeping. He starts touching her or penetrating her while she's asleep. Some people have pointed out that the problem isn't consent as much as it is context. There are couples that have possibly discussed the idea of one of them starting to penetrate their partner while they're sleeping. However, that context is not shown in these films. There have also been films where she wakes up, she's not into it, but he keeps going and ignores her when she says "no."
Another scenario that I have frequently seen has been a dad seducing his teenage daughter. Incest? That is definitely gross. However, there are two even bigger problems here. The big one is that although both actors are over the age of 18, it's implied that the teenage daughter is not, and that she's sleeping with someone more than twice her age. If she were over the age of 21 or so, the age difference wouldn't be a problem, but the implication is that she's still a legal minor. In addition to that is the already addressed problem. Some of these films have her being resistant at first.
Then there is the scenario of a teacher or coach seducing a student or athlete. There was a similar scenario I encountered where a police officer is about to arrest a young woman, but he offers to let her go if she sleeps with him. This film shows her saying "yes" out of fear and desperation. Sometimes, the implication is that they are college age, therefore a legal adult. However, this is still a depiction of an unfair power dynamic, and a misuse of power where the other person says "yes" out of fear of hurt from saying "no."
Even in consensual situations cheating and incest are quite common. Sometimes, it's just someone sleeping with a stepparent or a stepchild. However, that does still leave a bad taste in peoples' mouths. Why can't the story be a next door neighbor or a friend?
Another common scenario that isn't quite as bad, but is still on the frustrating end, is when someone shouts at a woman or asks a random woman on the street for sex. Maybe there is a bit of conversing. However, it's still something on the unrealistic end.
I get it. Pornography is fantasy. It's not meant to depict reality. However, our society's sex education is next to non-existent, and what we see on screen does teach and inspire our behavior in reality. People have commented on the importance of making sure that pornography is ethically sourced. However, that's only a part of it. It should also take social responsibility in how it depicts sexuality.
The people who make these films have a right to depict the scenarios they want. They have a right to free artistic expression. However, when we're trying to combat sexual abuse, continuous depiction of these sort of problematic scenarios potentially leads to more problems. Sexual ethics is not only important in what is done behind the scenes. It also is important with the scenes. However, here's separate alternative from no longer making such films.
One film that did depict one of the problematic scenarios mentioned above, that I was glad about, included a disclaimer at the beginning from the performers in the film. The two of them said at the beginning that this was a fictional situation. If these "storylines" are to continue, why not have that sort of disclaimer?
Another positive example I saw came from a hardcore BDSM film. The woman had the man tied up, and she whipped him and made some pretty belittling comments towards him. In BDSM, there are these types of roleplay. Something that is heavily agreed on in the BDSM community is that aftercare is important. This film did a bit of that, showing the woman and the man sitting next to each other afterwards, and the man talks about how good a time he had.
Many of the above mentioned films include a written disclaimer at the beginning, but whose going to read that? Having the people in the film say "this is roleplay" at the beginning should be the normal way. Aftercare might not be as necessary, but that might be a good thing to normalize too, especially with intense roleplay scenarios.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Beginning Burlesque
This blog page was originally meant to be standing up against the sexual misconduct that women face. My last blog, however, was about my own firsthand experiences of abuse, as mild in comparison to others' experiences as they might be. There was a woman who commented to me that it is feminist when a man opens up about his emotions or vulnerability. Also, this page is called Detoxifying Masculinity, and this blog and my last blog are definitely a way I'm trying to do that. Having said that, here's a personal story, and please note that I have flashbacks italicized in blue:
Burlesque is not pornographic or objectifying, but it is sexual. A typical burlesque routine involves a woman slowly peeling her clothes off for an audience of people, layer by layer. Audience members are encouraged to hoot, holler, clap their hands, stomp their feet, and cheer as she shows her body. As a heterosexual male, I definitely have never felt a personal need to complain about how nearly all burlesque performers are women. However, I've felt that straight women and gay men would possibly enjoy seeing more male burlesque performers. From those thoughts, I had the idea of possibly doing it myself.
The thoughts of doing burlesque rested in the back of my mind for years. It was at practice with a men's morris dance group I perform with where one of my teammates showed up to practice one day with makeup. I asked him what sort of show he was coming from, and he said that he was taking burlesque classes. I mentioned to him that I'd had the thought of doing burlesque. He also talked about how he was the only man in his class, and I related to him my story of being the only boy in musical theater classes as a teenager.
A couple of years later, that friend died in a car crash. From that, I decided that maybe it was time I start taking classes. It would be a nice thing to do in his memory. At one of his memorial gatherings, I mentioned the idea to a friend, and she said that she could imagine me being great at it. I looked at the website for ExperTease Fitness, I looked at when classes were, and I sent an email, asking a quick question.
After a year, with plans to sign up, I still hadn't gotten around to it. It was a continuous, maybe next session. I then ended up in another upsetting situation. I met someone online. She and I chatted for a bit. She suggested to do a nude video chat, and I agreed to it. A few minutes in, this person revealed that their Facebook profile was fake, and what I was witnessing during the video chat was a video of someone else. The person behind the profile page then threatened to leak nude screenshots of me if I didn't pay him $780.
I'd heard stories of how burlesque had helped a few women overcome past abuse. I decided that it might be helpful for me as well, so I finally signed up for a class.
On the first day of class, there was that awkward feeling that people frequently have when they're at a first class and learning something new. We introduced ourselves to each other, we were told a brief history of burlesque, and we discussed stage names.
The day after I'd fallen victim to image abuse, I contacted the police. The most they did was suggest I change my Facebook name, which Facebook didn't allow me to do. Although Facebook didn't allow me to change my Facebook name, I thought the name I'd come up with would make a great stage name for burlesque. I also talked with a couple of friends about it, and they liked it.
Now, here in class, we were pulling random bits of paper out, with various words to give ideas for names. I got one piece of paper that said "candy" and another one that said "tree." I first thought that that was the name I was supposed to have come up with, "Candy Tree." I then realized that I was supposed to think of a form of candy and a type of tree. Maple Lollipop? However, I then mentioned the name I'd already had in mind, which my teacher and classmates liked, Syd Thunder.
A few weeks later, after a couple of classes where we learned several different tips and tricks, it was finally time for us to peel our clothes off. We'd been told to bring an outfit to strip out of. We spent the class going through different bits of clothing to remove. I brought a suit and tie, and I peeled off the different bits, piece by piece. After that class, I felt great. It was a freeing experience. We then started to work on our number for the student showcase and put together costumes.
After a few weeks of practice, the tech rehearsal was at the Minnsky Theatre, where the showcase would be. It was across the street from the building that ExperTease Fitness was in. There were different groups there to run their routines, and the couple of times we ran ours, they cheered us on. It was definitely a comforting experience. My classmates and I got together to touch up our number the following night.
A couple of days later, the first of three student showcases happened. The first one was heavily centered around pole dancing, but there was a bellydancer, a chair dance, and a couple of burlesque routines. The following night, there was a lot of high acrobatics, as well as a bellydance and a few burlesque numbers. That second night, something else happened. After one of the first routines that night, Jac Fatale, the owner of both ExperTease Fitness and the Minnsky Theatre, who was also the host of the show, commented on having heard rude remarks from audience members. She said that this was a safe space. All body types, gender expressions, ages (18+), etc. are welcome and encouraged to perform. The audience cheered as she said it.
Later that night, during another one of the numbers, I saw her walking out of her seat to tell audience members to stop what they were doing. After that number was over, she reminded the audience that there are to be no pictures taken. She commented on some of the reasons why taking pictures of performers is not allowed. Although no one else in the audience cheered, I did. After the show, I thanked her for calling them out. Although she felt anger towards them, I felt comfort and healing.
At both shows, Jac commented on how burlesque is a life changing experience. She talked about how when someone shows off their body to a cheering crowd, something effects their brain and they feel like they're worth more than they had been. I was looking forward to having that experience.
Now, it was time for the third student showcase. The one we would be performing. Our teacher was unable to make it, but we planned on doing a before and after pic for her. In the dressing room, we posed in our costumes and shared the picture with her. I'd had a lot of thoughts about doing the after pic. From my experiences of falling victim to image abuse, I felt a bit weary about that. However, thinking of stuff that women who'd been abused had said, it's my body. My body should not be used as a weapon against me.
Anyway, it was now time for the show. We were able to watch from a platform on the upstage area, with all the others performing that night. We were encouraged to watch as a way of showing support to all the other students. There were several people doing various forms of aerial acrobatics and there were, of course, other burlesque performers.
When it was finally time for us to perform, I finally felt the smallest bit of nervousness, but I had always felt calm and at ease. I knew that the audience was a supportive group of people, and I knew that all of us in the class were in it together. When the music came on, and when we performed, I was ecstatic to finally hit the stage. I'd had a lot of energy when running the number through at practices, but I now had so much more energy. It was a wonderful and freeing experience. At the end, the audience cheered, we bowed, we then turned around and did a booty bow, and then we walked off the stage.
I immediately ran into the dressing room, to change into my post-performance costume, and then watch the rest of the show. I then realized that I would need to get my clothes back. I then realized that I wasn't there for the after picture. I had completely spaced it out. I'd been weary at first, but I embraced the idea. However, what I got so worked up about, I ended up spacing out.
At a burlesque show I'd attended that past summer, I'd been having a rough weekend. The night before, I messaged my friend in the show, asking if they'd be willing to give me a hug afterwards. They said of course. I then asked that friend about getting together separately, as I really needed a friend to talk to, but I didn't want to be a buzzkill that night. A burlesque show, after all, is supposed to be fun, free of any pain or hardships.
Back at the student showcase, after performing and seeing the acts that followed us, it was now intermission. I went to grab my costume and apologize for not being in the after picture. I also talked with someone else about my image abuse situation, the mental journey I'd had about the post-show pic, and how I ended up spacing it out. This person then told me about some of their personal struggles. Later on, during intermission, others were talking about some of their personal struggles. Others had talked about struggles that they'd had, but how burlesque had helped them through.
On the surface, burlesque is a wild and fun time. However, beneath the surface, it's something deeper. Burlesque performers peel off their clothes, and you might think they're showing who they are. However, they don't always peel away their souls. You might witness someone who seems fully confident in their body, but if you see them peeling away their soul, you might see someone vulnerable and hurt.
Me doing burlesque isn't going to magically bring about gender equality in how human beings are sexualized. It's not going to bring my friend back. It's not going to fully heal me from my image abuse situation. It might be centuries before women are treated as equals. My friend will always be missed. With my image abuse situation, there are fears I may likely always have of what my perpetrator could possibly do. After the wounds have healed, there will still be a scar. However, my time on that stage and in classes has started healing the wounds.
Burlesque is not pornographic or objectifying, but it is sexual. A typical burlesque routine involves a woman slowly peeling her clothes off for an audience of people, layer by layer. Audience members are encouraged to hoot, holler, clap their hands, stomp their feet, and cheer as she shows her body. As a heterosexual male, I definitely have never felt a personal need to complain about how nearly all burlesque performers are women. However, I've felt that straight women and gay men would possibly enjoy seeing more male burlesque performers. From those thoughts, I had the idea of possibly doing it myself.
The thoughts of doing burlesque rested in the back of my mind for years. It was at practice with a men's morris dance group I perform with where one of my teammates showed up to practice one day with makeup. I asked him what sort of show he was coming from, and he said that he was taking burlesque classes. I mentioned to him that I'd had the thought of doing burlesque. He also talked about how he was the only man in his class, and I related to him my story of being the only boy in musical theater classes as a teenager.
A couple of years later, that friend died in a car crash. From that, I decided that maybe it was time I start taking classes. It would be a nice thing to do in his memory. At one of his memorial gatherings, I mentioned the idea to a friend, and she said that she could imagine me being great at it. I looked at the website for ExperTease Fitness, I looked at when classes were, and I sent an email, asking a quick question.
After a year, with plans to sign up, I still hadn't gotten around to it. It was a continuous, maybe next session. I then ended up in another upsetting situation. I met someone online. She and I chatted for a bit. She suggested to do a nude video chat, and I agreed to it. A few minutes in, this person revealed that their Facebook profile was fake, and what I was witnessing during the video chat was a video of someone else. The person behind the profile page then threatened to leak nude screenshots of me if I didn't pay him $780.
I'd heard stories of how burlesque had helped a few women overcome past abuse. I decided that it might be helpful for me as well, so I finally signed up for a class.
On the first day of class, there was that awkward feeling that people frequently have when they're at a first class and learning something new. We introduced ourselves to each other, we were told a brief history of burlesque, and we discussed stage names.
The day after I'd fallen victim to image abuse, I contacted the police. The most they did was suggest I change my Facebook name, which Facebook didn't allow me to do. Although Facebook didn't allow me to change my Facebook name, I thought the name I'd come up with would make a great stage name for burlesque. I also talked with a couple of friends about it, and they liked it.
Now, here in class, we were pulling random bits of paper out, with various words to give ideas for names. I got one piece of paper that said "candy" and another one that said "tree." I first thought that that was the name I was supposed to have come up with, "Candy Tree." I then realized that I was supposed to think of a form of candy and a type of tree. Maple Lollipop? However, I then mentioned the name I'd already had in mind, which my teacher and classmates liked, Syd Thunder.
A few weeks later, after a couple of classes where we learned several different tips and tricks, it was finally time for us to peel our clothes off. We'd been told to bring an outfit to strip out of. We spent the class going through different bits of clothing to remove. I brought a suit and tie, and I peeled off the different bits, piece by piece. After that class, I felt great. It was a freeing experience. We then started to work on our number for the student showcase and put together costumes.
After a few weeks of practice, the tech rehearsal was at the Minnsky Theatre, where the showcase would be. It was across the street from the building that ExperTease Fitness was in. There were different groups there to run their routines, and the couple of times we ran ours, they cheered us on. It was definitely a comforting experience. My classmates and I got together to touch up our number the following night.
A couple of days later, the first of three student showcases happened. The first one was heavily centered around pole dancing, but there was a bellydancer, a chair dance, and a couple of burlesque routines. The following night, there was a lot of high acrobatics, as well as a bellydance and a few burlesque numbers. That second night, something else happened. After one of the first routines that night, Jac Fatale, the owner of both ExperTease Fitness and the Minnsky Theatre, who was also the host of the show, commented on having heard rude remarks from audience members. She said that this was a safe space. All body types, gender expressions, ages (18+), etc. are welcome and encouraged to perform. The audience cheered as she said it.
Later that night, during another one of the numbers, I saw her walking out of her seat to tell audience members to stop what they were doing. After that number was over, she reminded the audience that there are to be no pictures taken. She commented on some of the reasons why taking pictures of performers is not allowed. Although no one else in the audience cheered, I did. After the show, I thanked her for calling them out. Although she felt anger towards them, I felt comfort and healing.
At both shows, Jac commented on how burlesque is a life changing experience. She talked about how when someone shows off their body to a cheering crowd, something effects their brain and they feel like they're worth more than they had been. I was looking forward to having that experience.
Now, it was time for the third student showcase. The one we would be performing. Our teacher was unable to make it, but we planned on doing a before and after pic for her. In the dressing room, we posed in our costumes and shared the picture with her. I'd had a lot of thoughts about doing the after pic. From my experiences of falling victim to image abuse, I felt a bit weary about that. However, thinking of stuff that women who'd been abused had said, it's my body. My body should not be used as a weapon against me.
Anyway, it was now time for the show. We were able to watch from a platform on the upstage area, with all the others performing that night. We were encouraged to watch as a way of showing support to all the other students. There were several people doing various forms of aerial acrobatics and there were, of course, other burlesque performers.
When it was finally time for us to perform, I finally felt the smallest bit of nervousness, but I had always felt calm and at ease. I knew that the audience was a supportive group of people, and I knew that all of us in the class were in it together. When the music came on, and when we performed, I was ecstatic to finally hit the stage. I'd had a lot of energy when running the number through at practices, but I now had so much more energy. It was a wonderful and freeing experience. At the end, the audience cheered, we bowed, we then turned around and did a booty bow, and then we walked off the stage.
I immediately ran into the dressing room, to change into my post-performance costume, and then watch the rest of the show. I then realized that I would need to get my clothes back. I then realized that I wasn't there for the after picture. I had completely spaced it out. I'd been weary at first, but I embraced the idea. However, what I got so worked up about, I ended up spacing out.
At a burlesque show I'd attended that past summer, I'd been having a rough weekend. The night before, I messaged my friend in the show, asking if they'd be willing to give me a hug afterwards. They said of course. I then asked that friend about getting together separately, as I really needed a friend to talk to, but I didn't want to be a buzzkill that night. A burlesque show, after all, is supposed to be fun, free of any pain or hardships.
Back at the student showcase, after performing and seeing the acts that followed us, it was now intermission. I went to grab my costume and apologize for not being in the after picture. I also talked with someone else about my image abuse situation, the mental journey I'd had about the post-show pic, and how I ended up spacing it out. This person then told me about some of their personal struggles. Later on, during intermission, others were talking about some of their personal struggles. Others had talked about struggles that they'd had, but how burlesque had helped them through.
On the surface, burlesque is a wild and fun time. However, beneath the surface, it's something deeper. Burlesque performers peel off their clothes, and you might think they're showing who they are. However, they don't always peel away their souls. You might witness someone who seems fully confident in their body, but if you see them peeling away their soul, you might see someone vulnerable and hurt.
Me doing burlesque isn't going to magically bring about gender equality in how human beings are sexualized. It's not going to bring my friend back. It's not going to fully heal me from my image abuse situation. It might be centuries before women are treated as equals. My friend will always be missed. With my image abuse situation, there are fears I may likely always have of what my perpetrator could possibly do. After the wounds have healed, there will still be a scar. However, my time on that stage and in classes has started healing the wounds.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Firsthand Experiences
I put together this blog page to talk about the experiences women face on regular basis. I started out with a confession list of past actions I've done to women, all while having believed myself to be a feminist ally. I addressed sources of the problem and ways I've taken action. I also included one woman's personal stories. I didn't think I would be including my own firsthand experiences. However, as of the writing of this, there were a couple of recent times I opened up about things that have happened to me, and a couple of women have thanked me for opening up and being a strong advocate. Maybe telling these stories might help.
Whenever I open up about my own experiences, I worry that it might be coming across as being dismissive of women's experiences. "Men's rights" pseudo-activists frequently give the "it happens to men too" argument when the subject of abuse against women is brought up. This is something that has sometimes made it scary for me to be open about my personal experiences. In addition to that, as a couple of women have pointed out, there is also the societal belief that men want sex 24/7. To add even more, abuse against women has become so normalized, we don't always know how to react when the tables are turned, and men are also assumed to always be fully in control. Women also live in fear of men, so when men open up about difficulties they're facing, it might come across as dismissive of women's experiences, as women definitely have it worse.
There's a men's dance group I perform with. We are regularly flirtatious with women at our local renaissance festival, as well as a gig that frequently occurs the week after it ends. There are several women at the renaissance festival that several of our members, myself included, are on heavily flirtatious terms with. We dance in the parade there, and during it, several of our dancers run out of the parade to hug a few women at a booth out there. That group of women showed up to that gig we have the following week. One of them touched my face in a way that I was discomforted with, without my consent, and she made a belittling remark. I was hugely discomforted. I had no idea what to say. Also, I'd had previously positive experiences with her, and not to mention, I found her attractive. Because of all of these things, I decided against speaking up.
It was half a year later when I came forward to one of the other women from that booth. To make the long and complex story short, she told me that I probably shouldn't expect an apology. Now, at least as of the writing of this, during the parade, I watch my dance mates run down to the booth to hug the women there, but I don't feel comfortable doing so.
An even worse thing for me was falling victim to a form of sexual misconduct, frequently referred to as "revenge porn." However, a term that I find more suitable is image abuse. I met someone online, and she and I had a nice chat. Shortly afterwards, she asked if she could ask me a discreet question. I typed three dots, the word "sure," and a question mark. She expressed a sexual interest and suggested to do an erotic video chat. She asked me to make sure that we'd keep it between the two of us, and I absolutely agreed to it. At first, I had a bit of discomfort, but comments she typed out and sent me helped me feel comfortable.
A moment later, she revealed that she was actually male, that what I was watching was pre-recorded, and then he threatened to leak either the video or pics from it if I didn't pay him. This person committed fraud and blackmail, which are both illegal. When I reported it to the police, I found some comfort when they told me how common this was, but I also received a bit of a victim blaming tone from a remark that one of them made. I don't know of anything else they did. Someone suggested that I contact the FBI. They didn't respond. When I talked with my uncle and aunt about it, my uncle said things like "you'll do stupider things" and "smile." My aunt got into a big rant about how she doesn't trust anyone on the internet.
People frequently refer to this as "revenge porn." In many cases, that is a decent term to use, when it's someone leaking nude photos of his ex-girlfriend. However, the term "revenge porn" also implies that she did something to deserve having her photos leaked. In my case, my perpetrator was not someone seeking revenge. He was someone seeking easy prey, and he found it with me.
I frequently see men saying "it happens to men too" when the discussion of sexual misconduct against women starts up. However, the people who frequently give that response don't truly show support to male victims. They're silent when men come forward, unless they can use men's stories to undermine women's stories. There were almost certainly several women who saw me coming forward about my personal experiences as being dismissive of theirs, but the people I also gained support from were women.
Whenever I open up about my own experiences, I worry that it might be coming across as being dismissive of women's experiences. "Men's rights" pseudo-activists frequently give the "it happens to men too" argument when the subject of abuse against women is brought up. This is something that has sometimes made it scary for me to be open about my personal experiences. In addition to that, as a couple of women have pointed out, there is also the societal belief that men want sex 24/7. To add even more, abuse against women has become so normalized, we don't always know how to react when the tables are turned, and men are also assumed to always be fully in control. Women also live in fear of men, so when men open up about difficulties they're facing, it might come across as dismissive of women's experiences, as women definitely have it worse.
There's a men's dance group I perform with. We are regularly flirtatious with women at our local renaissance festival, as well as a gig that frequently occurs the week after it ends. There are several women at the renaissance festival that several of our members, myself included, are on heavily flirtatious terms with. We dance in the parade there, and during it, several of our dancers run out of the parade to hug a few women at a booth out there. That group of women showed up to that gig we have the following week. One of them touched my face in a way that I was discomforted with, without my consent, and she made a belittling remark. I was hugely discomforted. I had no idea what to say. Also, I'd had previously positive experiences with her, and not to mention, I found her attractive. Because of all of these things, I decided against speaking up.
It was half a year later when I came forward to one of the other women from that booth. To make the long and complex story short, she told me that I probably shouldn't expect an apology. Now, at least as of the writing of this, during the parade, I watch my dance mates run down to the booth to hug the women there, but I don't feel comfortable doing so.
An even worse thing for me was falling victim to a form of sexual misconduct, frequently referred to as "revenge porn." However, a term that I find more suitable is image abuse. I met someone online, and she and I had a nice chat. Shortly afterwards, she asked if she could ask me a discreet question. I typed three dots, the word "sure," and a question mark. She expressed a sexual interest and suggested to do an erotic video chat. She asked me to make sure that we'd keep it between the two of us, and I absolutely agreed to it. At first, I had a bit of discomfort, but comments she typed out and sent me helped me feel comfortable.
A moment later, she revealed that she was actually male, that what I was watching was pre-recorded, and then he threatened to leak either the video or pics from it if I didn't pay him. This person committed fraud and blackmail, which are both illegal. When I reported it to the police, I found some comfort when they told me how common this was, but I also received a bit of a victim blaming tone from a remark that one of them made. I don't know of anything else they did. Someone suggested that I contact the FBI. They didn't respond. When I talked with my uncle and aunt about it, my uncle said things like "you'll do stupider things" and "smile." My aunt got into a big rant about how she doesn't trust anyone on the internet.
People frequently refer to this as "revenge porn." In many cases, that is a decent term to use, when it's someone leaking nude photos of his ex-girlfriend. However, the term "revenge porn" also implies that she did something to deserve having her photos leaked. In my case, my perpetrator was not someone seeking revenge. He was someone seeking easy prey, and he found it with me.
I frequently see men saying "it happens to men too" when the discussion of sexual misconduct against women starts up. However, the people who frequently give that response don't truly show support to male victims. They're silent when men come forward, unless they can use men's stories to undermine women's stories. There were almost certainly several women who saw me coming forward about my personal experiences as being dismissive of theirs, but the people I also gained support from were women.
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Mixed Feelings
I've heavily spoken against sexual misconduct and misogyny. That's why I put together this blog page. However, there is an aspect in the argument that I have mixed feelings about.
My perspective has been deeply rooted in forgiveness and redemption, as well as non-violence. I've seen a few things making light in rape survivors murdering their abusers. There was one that I saw about a survivor who set her rapist on fire. A lot of comments in response twisted the victim blaming logic that people use when someone is raped. I agree with the twisting of the logic, but no matter what the person did, I'm discomforted in poking light in that person's death. Killing is also not something that I see as okay, no matter the reason. I stand heavily against the death penalty.
When Osama bin Laden died, I posted a combination of quotes. The first part was from a woman named Jessica Dovey:
Having said that, however, I also am aware that I come from a place of male privilege. I don't experience being regularly catcalled or groped, and I have not been forced into sex. I don't live in the same fear that women live in. On one hand, I don't condone certain responses, but on the other hand, I also am not sure if it's my place to say how to respond effectively.
My perspective has been deeply rooted in forgiveness and redemption, as well as non-violence. I've seen a few things making light in rape survivors murdering their abusers. There was one that I saw about a survivor who set her rapist on fire. A lot of comments in response twisted the victim blaming logic that people use when someone is raped. I agree with the twisting of the logic, but no matter what the person did, I'm discomforted in poking light in that person's death. Killing is also not something that I see as okay, no matter the reason. I stand heavily against the death penalty.
When Osama bin Laden died, I posted a combination of quotes. The first part was from a woman named Jessica Dovey:
I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.She followed that with a quote from Martin Luther King Jr.:
Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.Something else that has been discomforting for me has been seeing stories about violent responses to sexual assault. On one hand, I can understand that it is self-defense. In some cases, I sometimes think a better way to react would be to turn around and call them out.
Having said that, however, I also am aware that I come from a place of male privilege. I don't experience being regularly catcalled or groped, and I have not been forced into sex. I don't live in the same fear that women live in. On one hand, I don't condone certain responses, but on the other hand, I also am not sure if it's my place to say how to respond effectively.
Saturday, June 2, 2018
Open Letter to Incels
Dear Incels,
I've seen several women express anger at you for your continuous comments about being involuntarily celibate. I've seen several women angry at the comments you've made about women you find attractive being "too shallow" to be with someone "like you." I was asked by a couple of women to give you advice. In some ways, with this letter, I feel like I'm betraying them. To start, I find it ironic that they trust me to be able to give you advice on sex. I honestly find myself clueless on the topic. Where I really feel I'm betraying them, however, is where I also have to admit that I don't have the anger at you that they have. I understand completely where you're coming from.
I've been in your shoes. I know what it's like to not have my sexual desires met. I know what it's like to be rejected for being too ugly, short, weird, etc. I know what it's like to have a sexual interest in someone who sees you as a friend, rather than a potential sex or relationship partner. I really have been in your shoes. I really do know where you're coming from. It's been heavily upsetting to me when women I've been interested in have had their eyes on the tall and handsome guy, and he's frequently been an arrogant jerk.
Having said all that, I have to point out a major societal problem. We live in a society where men are shamed for not having sex with women. We live in a society where, to be a "real man," you need to regularly be having sex with women. The more women you sleep with, the more of a "real man" you are. It's a huge societal problem, and I'm sorry about how this societal expectation has effected you. I fully empathize, and I know the shame and embarrassment of having to admit to being a virgin.
In addition to that, we live in a society where we've been taught to see women as sexual objects. It's easy to claim to see women as people rather than sexual objects. However, when you're expressing anger at the fact that a woman has expressed disinterest in having sex with you, and considering her anything negative simply for not being sexually interested in you, you are thinking of her only for the purpose of satisfying your sexual needs. You are also not putting her well-being into consideration. Imagine a male friend holding it against you that you don't want to have sex with him and claiming that you don't truly care for him because of that. Sounds belittling, doesn't it? That's exactly what you're doing to women.
It's perfectly fine to feel unhappy about not having your sexual desires met. There are several women who haven't had sex at all. In fact, there was a woman who pointed that out, and commented that some of that is why she gets so angry when hearing about incels. Rather than blaming others for being too shallow, the women who have a difficult time finding men to have sex with feel like it might be their fault.
I'll also mention a list that a woman gave me of all the people who haven't gotten all the sex they wanted: EVERYONE! With the possible exception of asexual people and maybe a few extremely lucky people, not one person in the world has always had their sexual desires met. When you were a child, your parents should have taught you that you can't always get what you want in life. That especially applies to sex.
Many have commented that the mentality you hold is disrespectful towards women. However, you're also being disrespectful to yourselves. You've given up on hope in finding someone who might take a sexual interest in you, and you're pointing fingers at others for it. Others might say it's your fault. Some might say that you've been looking in the wrong places or gone about it the wrong way. However, I'm not going to say that. A major part of sex is being in the right circumstances. You just haven't been in the right situation. Luck is a huge part of the factor. However, don't give up on hope. When you call yourself involuntarily celibate, you're giving up on hope, and by doing so, you're guaranteeing that you'll remain that way
Admittedly, if you really want advice, I'm not the person to go to. When talking about crushes, dating, sex, etc., I think women are far better people for you to get advice from than me. This video from YouTube vlogger and sex educator, Laci Green, is definitely a great place to start. Something else that she mentions in another of her videos is that instead of thinking of oneself as a virgin, or in this case, an incel, maybe you should think of yourself as someone who has yet to make their sexual debut.
I'm hoping that you listen to these words and think about what I've said. Good luck in making your sexual debut, and although this should go without saying, consent is important for everyone.
Best wishes.
I've seen several women express anger at you for your continuous comments about being involuntarily celibate. I've seen several women angry at the comments you've made about women you find attractive being "too shallow" to be with someone "like you." I was asked by a couple of women to give you advice. In some ways, with this letter, I feel like I'm betraying them. To start, I find it ironic that they trust me to be able to give you advice on sex. I honestly find myself clueless on the topic. Where I really feel I'm betraying them, however, is where I also have to admit that I don't have the anger at you that they have. I understand completely where you're coming from.
I've been in your shoes. I know what it's like to not have my sexual desires met. I know what it's like to be rejected for being too ugly, short, weird, etc. I know what it's like to have a sexual interest in someone who sees you as a friend, rather than a potential sex or relationship partner. I really have been in your shoes. I really do know where you're coming from. It's been heavily upsetting to me when women I've been interested in have had their eyes on the tall and handsome guy, and he's frequently been an arrogant jerk.
Having said all that, I have to point out a major societal problem. We live in a society where men are shamed for not having sex with women. We live in a society where, to be a "real man," you need to regularly be having sex with women. The more women you sleep with, the more of a "real man" you are. It's a huge societal problem, and I'm sorry about how this societal expectation has effected you. I fully empathize, and I know the shame and embarrassment of having to admit to being a virgin.
In addition to that, we live in a society where we've been taught to see women as sexual objects. It's easy to claim to see women as people rather than sexual objects. However, when you're expressing anger at the fact that a woman has expressed disinterest in having sex with you, and considering her anything negative simply for not being sexually interested in you, you are thinking of her only for the purpose of satisfying your sexual needs. You are also not putting her well-being into consideration. Imagine a male friend holding it against you that you don't want to have sex with him and claiming that you don't truly care for him because of that. Sounds belittling, doesn't it? That's exactly what you're doing to women.
It's perfectly fine to feel unhappy about not having your sexual desires met. There are several women who haven't had sex at all. In fact, there was a woman who pointed that out, and commented that some of that is why she gets so angry when hearing about incels. Rather than blaming others for being too shallow, the women who have a difficult time finding men to have sex with feel like it might be their fault.
I'll also mention a list that a woman gave me of all the people who haven't gotten all the sex they wanted: EVERYONE! With the possible exception of asexual people and maybe a few extremely lucky people, not one person in the world has always had their sexual desires met. When you were a child, your parents should have taught you that you can't always get what you want in life. That especially applies to sex.
Many have commented that the mentality you hold is disrespectful towards women. However, you're also being disrespectful to yourselves. You've given up on hope in finding someone who might take a sexual interest in you, and you're pointing fingers at others for it. Others might say it's your fault. Some might say that you've been looking in the wrong places or gone about it the wrong way. However, I'm not going to say that. A major part of sex is being in the right circumstances. You just haven't been in the right situation. Luck is a huge part of the factor. However, don't give up on hope. When you call yourself involuntarily celibate, you're giving up on hope, and by doing so, you're guaranteeing that you'll remain that way
Admittedly, if you really want advice, I'm not the person to go to. When talking about crushes, dating, sex, etc., I think women are far better people for you to get advice from than me. This video from YouTube vlogger and sex educator, Laci Green, is definitely a great place to start. Something else that she mentions in another of her videos is that instead of thinking of oneself as a virgin, or in this case, an incel, maybe you should think of yourself as someone who has yet to make their sexual debut.
I'm hoping that you listen to these words and think about what I've said. Good luck in making your sexual debut, and although this should go without saying, consent is important for everyone.
Best wishes.
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