Dear Incels,
I've seen several women express anger at you for your continuous comments about being involuntarily celibate. I've seen several women angry at the comments you've made about women you find attractive being "too shallow" to be with someone "like you." I was asked by a couple of women to give you advice. In some ways, with this letter, I feel like I'm betraying them. To start, I find it ironic that they trust me to be able to give you advice on sex. I honestly find myself clueless on the topic. Where I really feel I'm betraying them, however, is where I also have to admit that I don't have the anger at you that they have. I understand completely where you're coming from.
I've been in your shoes. I know what it's like to not have my sexual desires met. I know what it's like to be rejected for being too ugly, short, weird, etc. I know what it's like to have a sexual interest in someone who sees you as a friend, rather than a potential sex or relationship partner. I really have been in your shoes. I really do know where you're coming from. It's been heavily upsetting to me when women I've been interested in have had their eyes on the tall and handsome guy, and he's frequently been an arrogant jerk.
Having said all that, I have to point out a major societal problem. We live in a society where men are shamed for not having sex with women. We live in a society where, to be a "real man," you need to regularly be having sex with women. The more women you sleep with, the more of a "real man" you are. It's a huge societal problem, and I'm sorry about how this societal expectation has effected you. I fully empathize, and I know the shame and embarrassment of having to admit to being a virgin.
In addition to that, we live in a society where we've been taught to see women as sexual objects. It's easy to claim to see women as people rather than sexual objects. However, when you're expressing anger at the fact that a woman has expressed disinterest in having sex with you, and considering her anything negative simply for not being sexually interested in you, you are thinking of her only for the purpose of satisfying your sexual needs. You are also not putting her well-being into consideration. Imagine a male friend holding it against you that you don't want to have sex with him and claiming that you don't truly care for him because of that. Sounds belittling, doesn't it? That's exactly what you're doing to women.
It's perfectly fine to feel unhappy about not having your sexual desires met. There are several women who haven't had sex at all. In fact, there was a woman who pointed that out, and commented that some of that is why she gets so angry when hearing about incels. Rather than blaming others for being too shallow, the women who have a difficult time finding men to have sex with feel like it might be their fault.
I'll also mention a list that a woman gave me of all the people who haven't gotten all the sex they wanted: EVERYONE! With the possible exception of asexual people and maybe a few extremely lucky people, not one person in the world has always had their sexual desires met. When you were a child, your parents should have taught you that you can't always get what you want in life. That especially applies to sex.
Many have commented that the mentality you hold is disrespectful towards women. However, you're also being disrespectful
to yourselves. You've given up on hope in finding someone who might
take a sexual interest in you, and you're pointing fingers at others for it. Others might say it's your fault. Some might say that you've been looking in the wrong places or gone about it the wrong way. However, I'm not going to say that. A major part of sex is being in the right circumstances. You just haven't been in the right situation. Luck is a huge part of the factor. However, don't give up on hope. When you call yourself involuntarily celibate, you're giving up on hope, and by doing so, you're guaranteeing that you'll remain that way
Admittedly, if you really want advice, I'm not the person to go to. When talking about crushes, dating, sex, etc., I think women are far better people for you to get advice from than me. This video from YouTube vlogger and sex educator, Laci Green, is definitely a great place to start. Something else that she mentions in another of her videos is that instead of thinking of oneself as a virgin, or in this case, an incel, maybe you should think of yourself as someone who has yet to make their sexual debut.
I'm hoping that you listen to these words and think about what I've said. Good luck in making your sexual debut, and although this should go without saying, consent is important for everyone.
Best wishes.
