I put together this blog page to talk about the experiences women face on regular basis. I started out with a confession list of past actions I've done to women, all while having believed myself to be a feminist ally. I addressed sources of the problem and ways I've taken action. I also included one woman's personal stories. I didn't think I would be including my own firsthand experiences. However, as of the writing of this, there were a couple of recent times I opened up about things that have happened to me, and a couple of women have thanked me for opening up and being a strong advocate. Maybe telling these stories might help.
Whenever I open up about my own experiences, I worry that it might be coming across as being dismissive of women's experiences. "Men's rights" pseudo-activists frequently give the "it happens to men too" argument when the subject of abuse against women is brought up. This is something that has sometimes made it scary for me to be open about my personal experiences. In addition to that, as a couple of women have pointed out, there is also the societal belief that men want sex 24/7. To add even more, abuse against women has become so normalized, we don't always know how to react when the tables are turned, and men are also assumed to always be fully in control. Women also live in fear of men, so when men open up about difficulties they're facing, it might come across as dismissive of women's experiences, as women definitely have it worse.
There's a men's dance group I perform with. We are regularly flirtatious with women at our local renaissance festival, as well as a gig that frequently occurs the week after it ends. There are several women at the renaissance festival that several of our members, myself included, are on heavily flirtatious terms with. We dance in the parade there, and during it, several of our dancers run out of the parade to hug a few women at a booth out there. That group of women showed up to that gig we have the following week. One of them touched my face in a way that I was discomforted with, without my consent, and she made a belittling remark. I was hugely discomforted. I had no idea what to say. Also, I'd had previously positive experiences with her, and not to mention, I found her attractive. Because of all of these things, I decided against speaking up.
It was half a year later when I came forward to one of the other women from that booth. To make the long and complex story short, she told me that I probably shouldn't expect an apology. Now, at least as of the writing of this, during the parade, I watch my dance mates run down to the booth to hug the women there, but I don't feel comfortable doing so.
An even worse thing for me was falling victim to a form of sexual misconduct, frequently referred to as "revenge porn." However, a term that I find more suitable is image abuse. I met someone online, and she and I had a nice chat. Shortly afterwards, she asked if she could ask me a discreet question. I typed three dots, the word "sure," and a question mark. She expressed a sexual interest and suggested to do an erotic video chat. She asked me to make sure that we'd keep it between the two of us, and I absolutely agreed to it. At first, I had a bit of discomfort, but comments she typed out and sent me helped me feel comfortable.
A moment later, she revealed that she was actually male, that what I was watching was pre-recorded, and then he threatened to leak either the video or pics from it if I didn't pay him. This person committed fraud and blackmail, which are both illegal. When I reported it to the police, I found some comfort when they told me how common this was, but I also received a bit of a victim blaming tone from a remark that one of them made. I don't know of anything else they did. Someone suggested that I contact the FBI. They didn't respond. When I talked with my uncle and aunt about it, my uncle said things like "you'll do stupider things" and "smile." My aunt got into a big rant about how she doesn't trust anyone on the internet.
People frequently refer to this as "revenge porn." In many cases, that is a decent term to use, when it's someone leaking nude photos of his ex-girlfriend. However, the term "revenge porn" also implies that she did something to deserve having her photos leaked. In my case, my perpetrator was not someone seeking revenge. He was someone seeking easy prey, and he found it with me.
I frequently see men saying "it happens to men too" when the discussion of sexual misconduct against women starts up. However, the people who frequently give that response don't truly show support to male victims. They're silent when men come forward, unless they can use men's stories to undermine women's stories. There were almost certainly several women who saw me coming forward about my personal experiences as being dismissive of theirs, but the people I also gained support from were women.
