Beginning Burlesque

This blog page was originally meant to be standing up against the sexual misconduct that women face. My last blog, however, was about my own firsthand experiences of abuse, as mild in comparison to others' experiences as they might be. There was a woman who commented to me that it is feminist when a man opens up about his emotions or vulnerability. Also, this page is called Detoxifying Masculinity, and this blog and my last blog are definitely a way I'm trying to do that. Having said that, here's a personal story, and please note that I have flashbacks italicized in blue:

Burlesque is not pornographic or objectifying, but it is sexual. A typical burlesque routine involves a woman slowly peeling her clothes off for an audience of people, layer by layer. Audience members are encouraged to hoot, holler, clap their hands, stomp their feet, and cheer as she shows her body. As a heterosexual male, I definitely have never felt a personal need to complain about how nearly all burlesque performers are women. However, I've felt that straight women and gay men would possibly enjoy seeing more male burlesque performers. From those thoughts, I had the idea of possibly doing it myself.

The thoughts of doing burlesque rested in the back of my mind for years. It was at practice with a men's morris dance group I perform with where one of my teammates showed up to practice one day with makeup. I asked him what sort of show he was coming from, and he said that he was taking burlesque classes. I mentioned to him that I'd had the thought of doing burlesque. He also talked about how he was the only man in his class, and I related to him my story of being the only boy in musical theater classes as a teenager.

A couple of years later, that friend died in a car crash. From that, I decided that maybe it was time I start taking classes. It would be a nice thing to do in his memory. At one of his memorial gatherings, I mentioned the idea to a friend, and she said that she could imagine me being great at it. I looked at the website for ExperTease Fitness, I looked at when classes were, and I sent an email, asking a quick question.

After a year, with plans to sign up, I still hadn't gotten around to it. It was a continuous, maybe next session. I then ended up in another upsetting situation. I met someone online. She and I chatted for a bit. She suggested to do a nude video chat, and I agreed to it. A few minutes in, this person revealed that their Facebook profile was fake, and what I was witnessing during the video chat was a video of someone else. The person behind the profile page then threatened to leak nude screenshots of me if I didn't pay him $780.

I'd heard stories of how burlesque had helped a few women overcome past abuse. I decided that it might be helpful for me as well, so I finally signed up for a class.

On the first day of class, there was that awkward feeling that people frequently have when they're at a first class and learning something new. We introduced ourselves to each other, we were told a brief history of burlesque, and we discussed stage names.

The day after I'd fallen victim to image abuse, I contacted the police. The most they did was suggest I change my Facebook name, which Facebook didn't allow me to do. Although Facebook didn't allow me to change my Facebook name, I thought the name I'd come up with would make a great stage name for burlesque. I also talked with a couple of friends about it, and they liked it.

Now, here in class, we were pulling random bits of paper out, with various words to give ideas for names. I got one piece of paper that said "candy" and another one that said "tree." I first thought that that was the name I was supposed to have come up with, "Candy Tree." I then realized that I was supposed to think of a form of candy and a type of tree. Maple Lollipop? However, I then mentioned the name I'd already had in mind, which my teacher and classmates liked, Syd Thunder.

A few weeks later, after a couple of classes where we learned several different tips and tricks, it was finally time for us to peel our clothes off. We'd been told to bring an outfit to strip out of. We spent the class going through different bits of clothing to remove. I brought a suit and tie, and I peeled off the different bits, piece by piece. After that class, I felt great. It was a freeing experience. We then started to work on our number for the student showcase and put together costumes.

After a few weeks of practice, the tech rehearsal was at the Minnsky Theatre, where the showcase would be. It was across the street from the building that ExperTease Fitness was in. There were different groups there to run their routines, and the couple of times we ran ours, they cheered us on. It was definitely a comforting experience. My classmates and I got together to touch up our number the following night.

A couple of days later, the first of three student showcases happened. The first one was heavily centered around pole dancing, but there was a bellydancer, a chair dance, and a couple of burlesque routines. The following night, there was a lot of high acrobatics, as well as a bellydance and a few burlesque numbers. That second night, something else happened. After one of the first routines that night, Jac Fatale, the owner of both ExperTease Fitness and the Minnsky Theatre, who was also the host of the show, commented on having heard rude remarks from audience members. She said that this was a safe space. All body types, gender expressions, ages (18+), etc. are welcome and encouraged to perform. The audience cheered as she said it.

Later that night, during another one of the numbers, I saw her walking out of her seat to tell audience members to stop what they were doing. After that number was over, she reminded the audience that there are to be no pictures taken. She commented on some of the reasons why taking pictures of performers is not allowed. Although no one else in the audience cheered, I did. After the show, I thanked her for calling them out. Although she felt anger towards them, I felt comfort and healing.

At both shows, Jac commented on how burlesque is a life changing experience. She talked about how when someone shows off their body to a cheering crowd, something effects their brain and they feel like they're worth more than they had been. I was looking forward to having that experience.

Now, it was time for the third student showcase. The one we would be performing. Our teacher was unable to make it, but we planned on doing a before and after pic for her. In the dressing room, we posed in our costumes and shared the picture with her. I'd had a lot of thoughts about doing the after pic. From my experiences of falling victim to image abuse, I felt a bit weary about that. However, thinking of stuff that women who'd been abused had said, it's my body. My body should not be used as a weapon against me.

Anyway, it was now time for the show. We were able to watch from a platform on the upstage area, with all the others performing that night. We were encouraged to watch as a way of showing support to all the other students. There were several people doing various forms of aerial acrobatics and there were, of course, other burlesque performers.

When it was finally time for us to perform, I finally felt the smallest bit of nervousness, but I had always felt calm and at ease. I knew that the audience was a supportive group of people, and I knew that all of us in the class were in it together. When the music came on, and when we performed, I was ecstatic to finally hit the stage. I'd had a lot of energy when running the number through at practices, but I now had so much more energy. It was a wonderful and freeing experience. At the end, the audience cheered, we bowed, we then turned around and did a booty bow, and then we walked off the stage.

I immediately ran into the dressing room, to change into my post-performance costume, and then watch the rest of the show. I then realized that I would need to get my clothes back. I then realized that I wasn't there for the after picture. I had completely spaced it out. I'd been weary at first, but I embraced the idea. However, what I got so worked up about, I ended up spacing out.

At a burlesque show I'd attended that past summer, I'd been having a rough weekend. The night before, I messaged my friend in the show, asking if they'd be willing to give me a hug afterwards. They said of course. I then asked that friend about getting together separately, as I really needed a friend to talk to, but I didn't want to be a buzzkill that night. A burlesque show, after all, is supposed to be fun, free of any pain or hardships.

Back at the student showcase, after performing and seeing the acts that followed us, it was now intermission. I went to grab my costume and apologize for not being in the after picture. I also talked with someone else about my image abuse situation, the mental journey I'd had about the post-show pic, and how I ended up spacing it out. This person then told me about some of their personal struggles. Later on, during intermission, others were talking about some of their personal struggles. Others had talked about struggles that they'd had, but how burlesque had helped them through.

On the surface, burlesque is a wild and fun time. However, beneath the surface, it's something deeper. Burlesque performers peel off their clothes, and you might think they're showing who they are. However, they don't always peel away their souls. You might witness someone who seems fully confident in their body, but if you see them peeling away their soul, you might see someone vulnerable and hurt.

Me doing burlesque isn't going to magically bring about gender equality in how human beings are sexualized. It's not going to bring my friend back. It's not going to fully heal me from my image abuse situation. It might be centuries before women are treated as equals. My friend will always be missed. With my image abuse situation, there are fears I may likely always have of what my perpetrator could possibly do. After the wounds have healed, there will still be a scar. However, my time on that stage and in classes has started healing the wounds.

Firsthand Experiences

I put together this blog page to talk about the experiences women face on regular basis.  I started out with a confession list of past actions I've done to women, all while having believed myself to be a feminist ally.  I addressed sources of the problem and ways I've taken action.  I also included one woman's personal stories.  I didn't think I would be including my own firsthand experiences.  However, as of the writing of this, there were a couple of recent times I opened up about things that have happened to me, and a couple of women have thanked me for opening up and being a strong advocate.  Maybe telling these stories might help.

Whenever I open up about my own experiences, I worry that it might be coming across as being dismissive of women's experiences.  "Men's rights" pseudo-activists frequently give the "it happens to men too" argument when the subject of abuse against women is brought up.  This is something that has sometimes made it scary for me to be open about my personal experiences.  In addition to that, as a couple of women have pointed out, there is also the societal belief that men want sex 24/7.  To add even more, abuse against women has become so normalized, we don't always know how to react when the tables are turned, and men are also assumed to always be fully in control.  Women also live in fear of men, so when men open up about difficulties they're facing, it might come across as dismissive of women's experiences, as women definitely have it worse.

There's a men's dance group I perform with.  We are regularly flirtatious with women at our local renaissance festival, as well as a gig that frequently occurs the week after it ends.  There are several women at the renaissance festival that several of our members, myself included, are on heavily flirtatious terms with.  We dance in the parade there, and during it, several of our dancers run out of the parade to hug a few women at a booth out there.  That group of women showed up to that gig we have the following week.  One of them touched my face in a way that I was discomforted with, without my consent, and she made a belittling remark.  I was hugely discomforted.  I had no idea what to say.  Also, I'd had previously positive experiences with her, and not to mention, I found her attractive.  Because of all of these things, I decided against speaking up.

It was half a year later when I came forward to one of the other women from that booth.  To make the long and complex story short, she told me that I probably shouldn't expect an apology.  Now, at least as of the writing of this, during the parade, I watch my dance mates run down to the booth to hug the women there, but I don't feel comfortable doing so.

An even worse thing for me was falling victim to a form of sexual misconduct, frequently referred to as "revenge porn."  However, a term that I find more suitable is image abuse.  I met someone online, and she and I had a nice chat.  Shortly afterwards, she asked if she could ask me a discreet question.  I typed three dots, the word "sure," and a question mark.  She expressed a sexual interest and suggested to do an erotic video chat.  She asked me to make sure that we'd keep it between the two of us, and I absolutely agreed to it.  At first, I had a bit of discomfort, but comments she typed out and sent me helped me feel comfortable.

A moment later, she revealed that she was actually male, that what I was watching was pre-recorded, and then he threatened to leak either the video or pics from it if I didn't pay him.  This person committed fraud and blackmail, which are both illegal.  When I reported it to the police, I found some comfort when they told me how common this was, but I also received a bit of a victim blaming tone from a remark that one of them made.  I don't know of anything else they did.  Someone suggested that I contact the FBI.  They didn't respond.  When I talked with my uncle and aunt about it, my uncle said things like "you'll do stupider things" and "smile."  My aunt got into a big rant about how she doesn't trust anyone on the internet.

People frequently refer to this as "revenge porn."  In many cases, that is a decent term to use, when it's someone leaking nude photos of his ex-girlfriend.  However, the term "revenge porn" also implies that she did something to deserve having her photos leaked.  In my case, my perpetrator was not someone seeking revenge.  He was someone seeking easy prey, and he found it with me.

I frequently see men saying "it happens to men too" when the discussion of sexual misconduct against women starts up.  However, the people who frequently give that response don't truly show support to male victims.  They're silent when men come forward, unless they can use men's stories to undermine women's stories.  There were almost certainly several women who saw me coming forward about my personal experiences as being dismissive of theirs, but the people I also gained support from were women.

Mixed Feelings

I've heavily spoken against sexual misconduct and misogyny.  That's why I put together this blog page.  However, there is an aspect in the argument that I have mixed feelings about.

My perspective has been deeply rooted in forgiveness and redemption, as well as non-violence.  I've seen a few things making light in rape survivors murdering their abusers.  There was one that I saw about a survivor who set her rapist on fire.  A lot of comments in response twisted the victim blaming logic that people use when someone is raped.  I agree with the twisting of the logic, but no matter what the person did, I'm discomforted in poking light in that person's death.  Killing is also not something that I see as okay, no matter the reason.  I stand heavily against the death penalty.

When Osama bin Laden died, I posted a combination of quotes.  The first part was from a woman named Jessica Dovey:

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.

She followed that with a quote from Martin Luther King Jr.:

Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Something else that has been discomforting for me has been seeing stories about violent responses to sexual assault.  On one hand, I can understand that it is self-defense.  In some cases, I sometimes think a better way to react would be to turn around and call them out.

Having said that, however, I also am aware that I come from a place of male privilege.  I don't experience being regularly catcalled or groped, and I have not been forced into sex.  I don't live in the same fear that women live in.  On one hand, I don't condone certain responses, but on the other hand, I also am not sure if it's my place to say how to respond effectively.

Open Letter to Incels

Dear Incels,

I've seen several women express anger at you for your continuous comments about being involuntarily celibate.  I've seen several women angry at the comments you've made about women you find attractive being "too shallow" to be with someone "like you."  I was asked by a couple of women to give you advice.  In some ways, with this letter, I feel like I'm betraying them.  To start, I find it ironic that they trust me to be able to give you advice on sex.  I honestly find myself clueless on the topic.  Where I really feel I'm betraying them, however, is where I also have to admit that I don't have the anger at you that they have.  I understand completely where you're coming from.

I've been in your shoes.  I know what it's like to not have my sexual desires met.  I know what it's like to be rejected for being too ugly, short, weird, etc.  I know what it's like to have a sexual interest in someone who sees you as a friend, rather than a potential sex or relationship partner.  I really have been in your shoes.  I really do know where you're coming from.  It's been heavily upsetting to me when women I've been interested in have had their eyes on the tall and handsome guy, and he's frequently been an arrogant jerk.

Having said all that, I have to point out a major societal problem.  We live in a society where men are shamed for not having sex with women.  We live in a society where, to be a "real man," you need to regularly be having sex with women.  The more women you sleep with, the more of a "real man" you are.  It's a huge societal problem, and I'm sorry about how this societal expectation has effected you.  I fully empathize, and I know the shame and embarrassment of having to admit to being a virgin.

In addition to that, we live in a society where we've been taught to see women as sexual objects.  It's easy to claim to see women as people rather than sexual objects.  However, when you're expressing anger at the fact that a woman has expressed disinterest in having sex with you, and considering her anything negative simply for not being sexually interested in you, you are thinking of her only for the purpose of satisfying your sexual needs.  You are also not putting her well-being into consideration.  Imagine a male friend holding it against you that you don't want to have sex with him and claiming that you don't truly care for him because of that.  Sounds belittling, doesn't it?  That's exactly what you're doing to women.

It's perfectly fine to feel unhappy about not having your sexual desires met.  There are several women who haven't had sex at all.  In fact, there was a woman who pointed that out, and commented that some of that is why she gets so angry when hearing about incels.  Rather than blaming others for being too shallow, the women who have a difficult time finding men to have sex with feel like it might be their fault.

I'll also mention a list that a woman gave me of all the people who haven't gotten all the sex they wanted: EVERYONE!  With the possible exception of asexual people and maybe a few extremely lucky people, not one person in the world has always had their sexual desires met.  When you were a child, your parents should have taught you that you can't always get what you want in life.  That especially applies to sex.

Many have commented that the mentality you hold is disrespectful towards women.  However, you're also being disrespectful to yourselves.  You've given up on hope in finding someone who might take a sexual interest in you, and you're pointing fingers at others for it.  Others might say it's your fault.  Some might say that you've been looking in the wrong places or gone about it the wrong way.  However, I'm not going to say that.  A major part of sex is being in the right circumstances.  You just haven't been in the right situation.  Luck is a huge part of the factor.  However, don't give up on hope.  When you call yourself involuntarily celibate, you're giving up on hope, and by doing so, you're guaranteeing that you'll remain that way

Admittedly, if you really want advice, I'm not the person to go to.  When talking about crushes, dating, sex, etc., I think women are far better people for you to get advice from than me.  This video from YouTube vlogger and sex educator, Laci Green, is definitely a great place to start.  Something else that she mentions in another of her videos is that instead of thinking of oneself as a virgin, or in this case, an incel, maybe you should think of yourself as someone who has yet to make their sexual debut.

I'm hoping that you listen to these words and think about what I've said.  Good luck in making your sexual debut, and although this should go without saying, consent is important for everyone.

Best wishes.

One Woman's #MeToo Stories

What really lead to the beginning of this Blogspot page was several women's #MeToo stories back in October 2017.  It was the overall collective of #MeToo posts that really impacted me.  However, after having seen so many posts, one individual post stood out.  One woman included several personal stories.  Something that really hit hard was how she referred to these stories as "typical" and stories that "aren't bad."  These are, however, her personal stories, and before anyone asks, she did give me permission to share:

#metoo

Just a few examples. I would say my experiences fall in the "typical" range.

4th grade 

Teacher sat me at a table with my grade's biggest troublemaker boy to help him with an assignment. As I was working, he got up and then went under the table and put his hand between my legs. I kicked him as best I could then told the teacher. She gave me a version of "boys will be boys" and told him to stay in his seat. She told me to help him finish the assignment.

7th grade

Sleeping over at a friend's house. Her older brother and his friend came in and tried to get in the beds with us. They were strong and holding us down. We yelled and told them to get out and they finally left after my friend threatened to tell. That was the first time I remember being actually afraid that I wouldn't be able to get myself out of a situation I didn't want to be in.

10th grade

At the lake. An ex-boyfriend showed up with 3 friends. They picked me up and brought me into the water where the ex tried to tear my bikini off. I fought like a goddamned banshee and managed to get away holding my undone bikini top to my chest. No one on the beach helped me.

Late teens 

Working at one of my first jobs in a retail store. My boss thought it was great fun to pretend to get something from under the counter and stroke my legs while I was ringing up customers.

Early 20s

Different retail job. Boss thought it was appropriate to talk to me about how unhappy he was with his sex life with his wife. Not just once. All. The. Time. And of course insinuating that I could help him out in that area.

I could go on.

I doubt my stories are very extraordinary. And in the scheme of things mine probably aren't considered "bad".

I hope that the men that read these accounts can feel how these events shape us as women and that they can find the courage to #dosomething to stop rape culture.

Although the impact of all those posts was big, this one had an especially large impact.  I responded by saying "I'm one of the men reading this. Thanks for sharing. I've been spending the day thinking of things I can do. I'm sorry it took so long for me to come to a realization."

Beginning to Take Action (Part 3: Doubts and Fears)

Although you could probably understand this without the first two parts, you can click for Part 1 and Part 2.  Part 2 is probably more important to read than Part 1.

Exactly a week after facing that situation on the train, I dealt with a couple of situations.  In the morning, I was on the train, I saw a dude trying to make small talk with a woman.  She claimed she couldn't understand him.  A while later, he said "hey" to her, and gestured, asking if she had any cream.  She didn't understand him.  I turned around, and said my usual line, "dude, you know she looks really uncomfortable."  He then assumed it was the tattoo.  I pointed out that I called someone else out for simply saying "careful don't fall" to a woman.  He then asked if I had a thing against women.  I said "No," paused, and continued, "I have a thing against men."  "He was just looking out for her" said that other guy.  I then turned back and kept quiet.

I reflected on it further, and I posted about it onto Facebook.  I realized ways I could have definitely better handled the situation.  I realized I should have walked up to him, and quietly mentioned the present social situation that women have been put into.  I should have commented on how sexual harassment is so common, that sometimes, well-meaning attempts to make small talk come across as sexual comeuppance.  I received some feedback on Facebook as well, and I responded to a comment, admitting what I could have done differently.

That night, however, I dealt with something more.  While at the bus station, waiting for the bus, a man walked in.  He said "Hey Sugar," to a woman, and started conversing with her.  She had to pull the earbuds out of her ears, and said "what?"  She responded politely.  I then said "Dude, not cool."  He said, "What?"  I responded by saying "the majority of women are creeped out by random men..."  "What?!" he said in response, and briefly commented on the word, "creep."

He continuously called me an idiot.  Whenever I'd start to something in response to him or a question he asked me, he'd immediately interrupt me, mostly to tell me how stupid I am.  Somewhere along the line, he told me to go up and ask that woman if she was uncomfortable.  I told him to ask all the women who posted #MeToo.  He responded with noises, expressing anger at me, but not having anything to say.  He told me to mind my own business or I'd get my ass whooped.  "You're five foot nothing," he said.  I was thinking of pointing out that I'm actually 4'11", but that would justify how easy it would be to beat me up.

Somewhere along the line, a group of preteen boys walked into the bus station.  They looked on, laughing at the situation, with big smiles on their faces.  The man eventually walked out of the building, and waited for the bus outside.  The preteen boys started talking to me, having been heavily amused at what they saw.  One of them said words to the effect of "are you really going to let him talk to you like that?"  A couple of them also walked out of the building, towards that man.  I had a little bit of fear that their actions, that they saw as funny and playful, would possibly be putting me in danger.  Fortunately, nothing happened.

The bus finally arrived, and I walked out of the building to the door farther away, so as to not go near that man.  When getting in line, I allowed others to get in front of me, as I always do.  However, there were some who were insistent that I get in front of them in the line.  I had to stand behind that man while waiting for the bus.  When we got on, we sat in completely different areas, and by the time I got off, he was gone.

Admittedly, I didn't have any feelings of major fear while any of this happened.  After all of that, I actually felt quite good about myself.  However, when my dad gave me a ride home from where I was headed to, I talked with him.  He made remarks that were heavily discouraging, and we had a huge argument.  I then posted the story of what happened at the bus station onto Facebook.  I received a large number of 'sad' face reactions.  I posted a comment, saying that I'm alright, that there's always a risk.  I went to bed, doubting myself.

The following morning, I woke up and saw a couple of 'thank you' comments from women on my friend list.  I then logged back in later, and saw even more comments, thanking me.  Admittedly, there are some things I should have done differently in that scenario.  Somewhere in the conversation with that man, I referred to him as "baby," and used it as a way of pointing out why he shouldn't be referring to people he doesn't know by pet names.  I also think instead of saying that most women are creeped out, I should have said that they are uncomfortable.  Creeped out possibly comes off as too much of an attack.

I'm still figuring out how to handle the situation, and unfortunately, different people react differently.  While writing this now, I really don't know how to conclude.  I can only say that I'm still learning, but then again, aren't we all?

Beginning to Take Action (Part 2: That One Moment)

Since the #MeToo movement went viral in October 2017, I've been doing various things in my life to take action.  When seeing Facebook posts that are supposedly funny, but they come across as perpetuating a sexist mentality, I've gotten pretty comfortable with posting a comment in response.  I've tried making a point of taking the bus or train more often, as that's where I'd typically seen women being sexually harassed.  There have been times where I've stumbled and fallen when stepping in, and there have been times where I've found out things were okay.  However, there's one moment where I felt a huge payoff.

On Tuesday mornings, I play music at a care center for people with cognitive disabilities.  The building is right next to one of the train stops, and I have easy access to the train.  On one morning, there was a woman on the train, listening to music, minding her own business.  A male who had been sitting behind her went up to her and pulled one of her earbuds out of her ear.  He then said something to her while moving in close, as she moved her head closer to the window, as far away from him as she could, but that wasn't far.  She was backed against the wall.  He also pulled on her scarf.

I shouted to him, "Dude?"  He didn't hear me.  I then walked up to him, carrying my guitar, and said "Dude?  She really looks uncomfortable."  He then told me that she was his girlfriend, said that if she needed help, she'd ask for it.  He then told me to just sit and play my music.  When I looked at her, I saw a smile on her face.  That dude then violently threatened me, and so I sat down at the seat I happened to now be closest to.

I was now facing away from them.  The dude was back to what he was doing to the woman, now ranting to her about me.  I turned around a few times, looking back at them.  Even though things were just the same as they'd been before I stepped in, the woman now had a smile on her face.

When it was almost time for me to get off the train, the dude said "You got a problem with me?"

I said "No."

"Why do you keep looking at me?"

"No reason," I replied.

A moment later, it was time for me to get off the train.  I wanted to look back, but I was worried.  Even though his behavior wasn't any different, and even though he continued doing what he was doing to the woman, I felt an urge to smile.  For some reason, I felt good about something.  However, as they were able to see me through the window, I wanted to keep myself from smiling.  The train drove off, and while spending the next hour, playing music for people with cognitive disabilities, I was thinking about the woman.  I wondered what her thoughts were.  What did she really think?

After finishing up at the care center, I took the train home.  When I got home, I felt the need to post a status on Facebook about that encounter.  I told that story, and I ended by saying:

Maybe I should have stood my ground more, but I don't know. Maybe there are better ways I could have handled the situation. I also wonder if things got worse for her after I got off the train. I sometimes wonder if she was actually fine, and her smile was because her boyfriend was threatening me. That final guess seems unlikely, the more I think about it. 

To men reading this, let this be a motivation for you to possibly step in when you see something like this. I'm 4'11" and I'm not someone who is confrontational or able to defend myself. I'm a total wimp. You're probably better equipped to step in than me.

There were several responses saying that I did what I could have, and there were several people who clicked 'like' or even 'love' on it.  That afternoon, when I did volunteer work for my friend Anna, she said that she thanks me on behalf of that woman and all women.

As I did imply that criticism on how I could better handle these situations would be useful, I received a little bit.  A couple of people commented that I should have asked her if she needed any help first, and given her a chance to speak.  Others responded, saying that doing that could, on the contrary, be putting her into more danger or an even more discomforting situation.  They said that what I did was how I should have done it.

The other comment on something I could have done differently came from my friend Anna.  She pointed out that when the dude asked if I had a problem with him, I should have responded by saying "Only if she does."

When talking with my mom about what happened, however, she commented that I was possibly, once again, over-analyzing, which is something I regularly do.  I did what I could.  After all of that, what I thought of most was the smile on that woman's face when I jumped in, and even though it changed nothing in the dude's actions, it might have brightened the woman's day.

After having spent much time wishing I could find and apologize to the women I've victimized, it's become comforting to think about a woman I stuck up for, wondering if she wishes she could find me to thank me.  Even though she couldn't thank me, Tamara on my friend list thanked me with these wonderful words:

As someone who has longed for someone to do anything at all I very sincerely thank you. Thank you. Thank you for doing what was literally in your power to the best of your abilities, thank you for posting about it, and thank you for the future where you'll only get better at it and inspire others to do it too. Thank you.

Beginning to Take Action (Part 1: Successes and Stumbles)

The day the #MeToo movement went viral, I decided to finally commit myself to doing things to take action in my daily life.  I made a point to take the bus more often, so that in case I'd see a situation of a woman being sexually harassed, I could actually step in and do something.  I also would point out the problems of certain posts on social media when seeing them.  Here are a few stories of my stumbles and my successes.

• Although this was not an issue of sexual misconduct or "locker room talk," my thoughts on the need to step in, when it came to sexual harassment, motivated me here.  This was the day after I saw several #MeToo posts, and there were still many being posted.  My mind was fully on sexual misconduct.  While on the bus, a couple of men were having a conversation about a woman who said she wanted to slap one of the men.  I have no clue what they were talking about, but they said a lot of swear words, and there were children looking on.  After a while, I finally commented that there were children looking on, and that this wasn't the place for swear words.  They understood and agreed.  Wondering if their conversation was objectifying a woman or whatever, I tried to see if there was something else to call out.  When asking one of the men what the story was, he said "You served your purpose."
• When I'd just gotten on the bus, there was a woman saying to a guy words to the effect of "Why are you coming onto me?  I don't even know you."  I then started to gently tell him that he might want to leave her alone.  Right after that, the woman said to him "You know I'm kidding you."  I then apologized for jumping in.  They didn't give any direct responses to me at all, but I was a bit embarrassed and relieved.  Being embarrassed shouldn't be a problem.  It's always risky, but embarrassment is not the biggest worry.
• Another time on the bus, a couple of men were having a conversation.  I eventually overheard one of them saying "she has a nice ass."  I said words to the effect of "Guys, this is not the most appropriate place to be having this conversation."  One of them asked why, and I asked if they were talking about the body parts of women.  One of them said, "No, we're just expressing facts."  One of them afterwards said "You can go somewhere else."  I apologized for what I said.  Something I regretted soon afterwards was how I expressed disapproval.  Instead of simply saying "this is not appropriate," where it comes off as anti-sex, I could have pointed out that women are people, not sexual objects, and that women should be spoken about as people, not butts with legs.
• While walking down the street late at night, there was a woman walking in front of me.  When she and I were crossing the street at the same time, I walked more away from her.  After crossing, I walked to the side, stood on the corner of the sidewalk to let her get ahead, and then I started walking in the direction I'd intended to go.  This was something that one post mentioned on a way to take action.  Several women have valid reason to be scared when there's a man walking behind them late at night.  I didn't know that it was something to make much of a difference, but there have been people who've said that it really does.
• After the previous few moments, I'd become disappointed with the fact that I wasn't encountering too many situations.  However, one evening, late at night on the bus, there was a woman who got off, and a man stared at her through the window.  I commented to him that most women are creeped out by random men staring at them.  He smiled.  I then said it's okay to look if you're discreet.  He smiled again.  Admittedly, I'm unsure if he knew English.
• Here's the moment where I really felt something.  I was walking down the street, and I saw a man staring at a woman's butt as she passed him.  Her back was turned to him when he was looking, but I then said "Dude?" and went up to him.  I quietly said "Most women are creeped out by random men staring at them."  He couldn't hear me, so I got in closer to say it.  He still couldn't hear me, so I had to get in closer.  When he heard me, he responded by saying that she had a nice ass.  I then said that that was definitely uncool of him to say that.  He talked about what he wanted to do to her, I said it wasn't cool, and he said "She might like it."  He asked if I had a girlfriend, and I said "Because you're asking me this, I can tell you don't."  He admitted to it and commented that if he did, he wouldn't have looked at that woman.  Around the end, he accused me of being gay and said that the Bible says God made women for men's pleasure.  He then walked away before I could say anymore.
• It was a really cold day at the train station, and the first day of snow of the season.  It was slippery.  There was a woman who walked by, and a man said to her, from a bit of a distance, "Careful don't fall."  Admittedly, he did say it in a friendly tone, so I'm sure it came off as innocent.  I was thinking it seemed to be unintentionally belittling.  I went up to the man, commented that she could take care of herself, and he admitted to agreeing to that.  I then commented that most women are creeped out by random men saying things to them.  He then said "I suppose."  I felt a bit awkward having done so afterwards, and when talking with a few women on that, some didn't see a problem with his remark.  Others did, including one who said she'd be more likely to slip and fall if a man made that comment out of the blue.  Whether what he did was fine or not, my mom pointed out that it was at least a good moment to educate him.
• Late at night, I got on the bus, and there were a few guys who were drunk getting on at the same time as me.  I had a feeling that if there was a woman who'd get on, something would happen.  I had my eyes on them the whole time.  When a woman came on, my prediction was confirmed.  The loudest of them said "Hey" to a woman.  I said, "Dude, not cool."  He told me to mind my own business.  I then said "Most women are..." and he immediately interrupted me, saying "There is no most women!"  I saw the woman, able to mind her own business, turning around looking on in possible confusion, but looking back to her phone.  That man ranted, and another man, seemingly caring for me, gestured in a gentle way for me to be quiet.  I was quiet, and they left her alone.  When they got off the bus, the one who'd gestured for me to be quiet caressed the woman's back.  I stupidly came to the assumption that that meant that he knew her.  With the look of fear and confusion I saw on her face, I realized that I was wrong.
• On another late night bus ride, there was a woman who I saw get on, fit most of Hollywood's ideas of beauty, wore a fashionable coat, and sat down.  I took a quick look at her, and then looked away.  When I was walking towards the door to get off the bus, there was dude sitting in front of her.  He turned around, and spent a bit of time looking at her, but then he turned back.  I went up to him, said "Dude?"  I then quietly said, with hopes that the woman wouldn't hear me, "Most women are discomforted by men staring at them."  He said "Huh?"  I went in closer and said it.  He still couldn't hear me, so I whispered again a third time.  He then said "I'm not."  I then walked away, towards the doors.  The next moment, he turned around to her and said "Hey."  I said, "Dude, not cool."  He then said "Shut up!  I'm not doing anything!"  At that moment, I got off the bus.  When I posted this story on Facebook, a couple of women posted comments, commending me.  A couple of days later, one said that she disapproved, comparing me with a Muslim who tries to get everyone to follow Sharia law.  Another woman messaged me saying that it seemed preemptive, and that she'd be upset about myself and the other.  Thinking about it, I probably didn't need to comment at him about staring.  It is a complex issue.
• There was a night on the bus, I saw a man with his arm around a woman.  I was trying to see if they were together as a couple or not.  I was looking at them from behind, so I couldn't really say.  The woman did not have positive facial expressions from what I could tell.  After that, the man put his hand down the back of the woman's shirt.  Then he stopped.  I then walked up to them, pretending I was on my way off the bus, and I asked the man if they were together.  He said they were, and asked why I was asking.  I first said "No reason."  I then said that it was actually because sexual harassment is really common, and I get really uneasy when I see things that resemble it.  I then got off the bus.  I've since then thought I could have done something else.
• I was having a conversation on the bus with a dude about all sorts of things.  I then mentioned a woman who I'm friends with, and the first words he said when hearing this friend was a woman were "Are you banging her?!"  I stumbled a bit with words, and I then gently commented on how that sort of talk was not really respectful to her.  What's interesting is afterwards, he said some insightful things on the issue, and actually had a decent discussion about sexual misconduct and misogyny.
• There was a dude at the bus station who was just obnoxious already.  I had my guitar with me, he made comments that I probably couldn't really play.  I was tired and not in the mood, so my reaction was a bit extreme.  I gave him the finger.  He was pissed, and then several people got off the bus.  There was a woman walking by, and he said "Hey baby!"  I responded by saying "Dude?  Not cool."  He also ranted to some of his friends who'd just shown up about how I'd given him the finger, and one of them tried to block me from getting leaving.  To his credit, he told that friend to let me go.  My reaction to his remarks about my guitar was extreme, but I was also thinking about how women experience that sort of stuff all the time.  So far, it had been the only time when calling someone out for sexual harassment where I had a bit of fear for my safety, but I was fine.  Also, what really caused the problem there was that I already pissed the dude off.
• Later that day, I was arriving at the train station, where a man and a woman were conversing.  The woman had a mildly discomforted look on her face.  I said, "Dude, she looks uncomfortable," but she then said, that it was okay and she was talking with him.  I apologized.
• Even later that day, I saw a male saying something to a woman.  I turned around and said that wasn't cool.  He then said he was talking to his brother on the phone.  I then apologized.  It was still a good precaution to take.
• I've regularly caught men staring at women, my typical response has now been to stare at the man when he's staring at the woman.  He soon notices me looking at the woman, and he looks away from the woman, possibly feeling a bit embarrassed.
• I've regularly posted comments on sexist Facebook posts, and this isn't just sexism.  Although I don't see as many of them, there have been a couple of transphobic posts as well, and maybe a homophobic post or two.  Typically, sexism seems to reign supreme.  Usually the posts are intended to be humorous.  I've regularly acknowledged the intention, but commented on the problem.  Sometimes, I've instead typed "Dude?  Really?"  Sometimes when someone posts a comment, I've made that comment.  One time, someone deleted the post, messaged me, thanking me for pointing that out, and apologizing.  Another time, someone said he was genuinely sorry for that comment.  A couple of men have blocked me, some have unfriended me, and one, I've gotten into arguments with.  Some of them possibly don't realize that their posts are sexist, and take their male privilege for granted.  This stuff is so deeply ingrained into our society.  One of them, his post was something I possibly clicked 'like' on a few years ago, when I saw another posting of it.  His attitude might have been a case of me just being negative, and he didn't need that.  I've dealt with ridicule, but there has also been some good payoff.  Sometimes, posts fall in the gray areas, and I don't always know whether I should comment or not.  I can only say that I'm trying my best.

These are things that I've done within the past few months after the 15th of October, 2017.  There was another moment, however, that occurred after all of these moments that really gave me a sense that I'm doing the right thing.  This is barely the beginning.

Toxic Masculinity

I originally decided to stop blogging about sexual misconduct and misogyny, as I had said what I needed to say, but I saw a documentary called The Mask You Live In, which I highly recommend watching.  It's available on Netflix, YouTube, Amazon Video, Vudu, Google Play, and iTunes.  I then felt the need to blog on the issue, as it's something I definitely relate to.  There's a group of artists I meet with every first Thursday of the month.  Primarily, I've shown them music, but after the #MeToo movement went viral, I found myself sharing my latest blog on sexual misconduct and misogyny.  After I showed it to them, one of the women in the group wanted to see me continue writing on the issue, and she was wondering where I'd go.  Although my heart for social justice is deeply fueled by my religious views, I decided that it would be better to have a separate page to discuss this issue.  This was the last blog post I on my religious blog page before I started this separate page.  Read it and weep:

As of the writing of this blog post, it feels like what was intended to be a blogging page on my religious views has started to become a page on sexual misconduct and misogyny.  Here I am, yet again, addressing the issue.  In light of the #MeToo movement and also multiple shootings, we need to discuss what may possibly be the biggest underlying problem of it all, toxic masculinity.

In my confession blogs in regards to #MeToo, I skipped confessing to my absolute worst behavior against women, due to the fact that those actions were so obviously terrible, they weren't under the label of sexual misconduct, and I was not even ten years old at the time.  As a warning, these are not pleasant stories, and thinking that a nine-year-old would never do something like that is completely incorrect.  I was nine years old, and I did.

• In third grade, the boys in my class approached me, and we happily formed the "all boys club." I was super excited to be part of it.  I felt a place of belonging with the other boys.  What did this "club" do?  You're not going to like it.  During recess, we'd run after, and beat up, the girls. Yes, you read that right.  Nine-year-old boys beating up girls during recess.  Looking at it now, with how much our school had an emphasis on non-violence, I really wonder how none of the teachers or supervisors caught us.  It wasn't until a girl came forward to our teacher, saying that I hit her with my lunchbox, that any adult did or said anything.
• The following year during recess, a boy blocked me from entering a spot of the playground saying "no girls allowed."  I got through, but I also then felt the need to prove that I was a boy.  I decided to be as aggressive as I could, blocking all girls from that spot.  That happened for days, if not weeks, until all the girls rose up against me, and turned the tables.

The teachers didn't teach this behavior to us.  They'd probably teach against it.  My parents, and probably the parents of other kids as well, possibly taught against this behavior as well.  At least, they didn't teach it to us directly.  On television, there were continuously commercials for toy cars, tanks, and guns, marketed for boys.  Girls were sold pretty dolls and clothes.  Teachers may have also told boys to not cry, while asking girls what was wrong when they did.

In movies and TV, you regularly see the male star not expressing emotions, regularly resorting to violence, and somehow charming a woman, possibly against her will.  Indiana Jones and James Bond are just a couple of examples.  Actors like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were regularly examples of this.  These were all people that boys were taught to look up to as heroes.  In the music industry, when I was a kid, Eminem was what we were all supposed to listen to.  He regularly rapped about being tough, and made remarks objectifying women.  By then, I was more fond of *NSYNC, who were marketed towards girls.  Even there, however, songs like "It's Gonna Be Me" or "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys taught boys to be forceful and insistent.  Boys were also exposed to football and wrestling, places where men are taught to be aggressive and strong.

With all of these things that boys are exposed to, should anyone really be surprised with the sexist behavior I was lured into at such a young age?  Did my teachers really teach against it, or did they just disapprove and speak against it?  Boys are exposed to seeing several bad examples on how they're supposed to behave.

Within all of this, however, there have been a few male role models for boys that have gone against the ideas of toxic masculinity.  Mr. Rogers, for example, is gentle, kind, and always shows a positive outlook on life.  In the children's anime show,  Yu-Gi-Oh!, there are a few times where the title character, Yugi, breaks down and cries, expressing doubts and fears, and he continuously values love and friendship.  He even surrenders a duel when it means risking the life of his opponent.

The show, Xena: Warrior Princess, has quite a few men who are soft and gentle.  Perdicas, introduced in the first episode, who makes a couple more appearances, gives up fighting, and wants to live a quiet life with Gabrielle.  Darius, a character in the second episode, is a widowed father to children, who lives a life of peace.  Neron, a character inspired by Romeo from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, doesn't take things into his hands, but desperately prays to Cupid for help.  He's expressive of his emotions, and his entire character is based off of being in love with a woman named Hermia.  The fourth season introduces the character of Eli, someone who chooses pacifism as the way of living, and talks about love and compassion.  When attacked by Roman soldiers, he willingly surrenders, to the dismay of Amarice, a woman who expresses many of the traits of toxic masculinity.  Eli also expresses many doubts about himself in the show.

Eli, however, was inspired by another example that breaks away from the stereotypes of toxic masculinity, Jesus.  Although a lot of men who identify as Christians claim Jesus to have been a man's man, he continuously talks about love.  Love for your enemies.  Love for your neighbor.  Love.  When one of his disciples picks up a sword to defend him, he even tells his disciple to put their sword away, for "those who live by the sword shall die by the sword."  When tortured and beaten, he accepts the pain and abuse, rather than showing his dominance.  Instead of trying to take control when being crucified, he prays "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

It's quite ironic that Jesus, who is probably the most recognized male figure in western culture, is also quite the antithesis of toxic masculinity.  However, he's not the only major figure.  Rishabhanatha, the said founder of Jainism is another positive example.  Jainism emphasizes no violence, and it even adds to be gentle to animals, including mosquitoes.  Buddha is another great example, and emphasizes gentleness, compassion, and finding one's inner peace.

In our society, we can maybe have a few male characters who show their strength and might.  However, what we desperately need are more men who are gentle, loving, willing to cry, and sometimes willing to accept what is out of their control.  Toxic masculinity is a problematic attitude of how men should be, which we need to stop teaching boys from an early age.

Shalom!

Sexual Misconduct Ingrained in Our Society

This is the second blog I wrote on sexual misconduct, for my page on my religious views.  Something to note is all of those blogs end with the word, shalom.  However, this was the one exception.  I always saw it as a draft.  I began by asking for criticism, but the only major criticism I got was from men, saying "not all women."  I talked with a couple of women about that comment, and they rolled their eyes at the comment.  The other criticism I got was from someone who said that instead of asking for criticism, I should ask for critique, as it's a more positive word.  I listened to her suggestion, and I made that edit.  I also noticed some misspellings and typos:

Before getting to this post, I want to begin by commenting that I'm up for criticism at the moment, and if there are any critiques you can give, they would be greatly appreciated.

As of the writing of this blog post, a few months ago, I posted one called "Me Too" is Our Fault.  It was a list of things I'd done to women that fall under the category of sexual harassment or sexual assault.  In it, I pointed out that while committing all these acts, I was also a strong advocate for women's equality.  I looked down upon the sexism in our society, and I had a negative view on sexual harassment and assault.  I commented that although I'd seemingly be a good ally to all the women who posted #MeToo, I was unaware that I was also one that others would be writing #MeToo about.  Not all harassment is obvious.  All men need to look at their behavior.  This behavior is so deeply ingrained into our society.

Some, including the writer who inspired my confession post, have commented that a major source of the problem is toxic masculinity.  There are many ways that society has taught men to sexually assault women which one fantastic article points out.  Toxic masculinity is possibly the source of most of these problems, but it gets far more complicated.

One of the women who read my previous post commented that many of my past actions would be perfectly acceptable in a society where women and men were treated as equals.  However, we do not live in such a society.  Men need to be more aware.  I'm going to confess a few more moments that I didn't include in my previous post.

Around the end of my college years, I was part of a student charity group.  The woman who lead the group had the idea of having us all make Valentine's Day cards, and hand them out to random people, as a way of spreading love.  Although it was nice for kids, adults were weirded out.  The moment I recall was trying to hand one to a woman, and she moved her head back, extremely weirded out.  This was a great idea in concept, but it probably wasn't such a good idea in practice.

There was something else I started doing, when trying to become more neighborly to people.  I'd try to make eye contact with, and smile at, every person I walked past, men and women.  I then learned about how women are creeped out by men looking at them.  As an alternative, I decided to do something I'd seen men do with other men, but never with women.  Look and do a big nod with an extremely straight face.  A month after seeing the many #MeToo posts, I got together with a few women to discuss the issue.  Around the end, I told one of them about the straight-faced nods, and she commented that that's really creepy.  It would be nice to be in a situation where everyone could be neighborly and say 'hi' to everyone they walked past.  However, we do not live in such a society.

The third moment was when I was conversing with a woman, I walked towards her in a way that had been suggested from a video on flirtation.  I have no idea if she felt uncomfortable or not, but with later interactions throughout the week, I now have a feeling that she probably developed discomfort about me.

Although this does not excuse my behavior, something that was a major cause of that was that I had been advised to do that from a video on flirtation.  My intentions were always to be in a romantic relationship, not to use a woman for sex.  I would have graciously accepted no for an answer if I had asked her out.  If it were about sex, I would make sure that she was more than willing.  However, as one woman comments on in a fantastic video she did on street harassment, there are so many men who have certain intentions, so you can't always tell who genuinely thinks of the woman as a person rather than a play toy.

The other big problem here is that I was taking advice on flirtation and dating from someone with major male privilege, who experiences life as a man.  I've noticed that a lot of men give each other advice on dating and relationships, but how many of them get that advice from women?  It's been taught to them by other men and by society.  I have a memory from my first semester of college.  One of my classmates was talking about when he had an eyepatch.  Another man commented that women love eyepatches.  The one woman in the room said words to the effect of "No, not really."  Instead of listening, it was next to dismissed when one of the men commented something to the effect of, "but they like hearing the stories of how it happened."

I remember a couple of weeks before all those #MeToo posts happened, I came across a dating advice page on Facebook.  The first thing I saw from it was about mind games.  A comment made was that when women say they want honesty instead of mind games, they're just paying lip service.  "Of course women are going to say that," the guy said, "but that's not what they really want."  The mentality that women are just paying lip service is one of the many reasons that women aren't listened to.  Our society has been taught in movies that when women are resistant, they truly want it, but men just have to be forceful.  There are many places where society has taught this behavior.

My main point here is that men come from a place of having male privilege.  Although gender stereotypes are a societal problem, we also need to be aware that women experience the world differently from men.  When asking for dating advice or talking about relationships, sexuality, flirtation, etc., it might be better for cishet men to talk with women about it.

There are many more ways it's engrained into our society.

As a teenager, I recall seeing an Arby's Commercial where three male construction workers are sitting by.  They look at one woman who passes by, and then another.  After that, one of the construction workers gets excited, starts hollering, and the other two join in with the catcalling.  The viewer of the commercial then sees that the person they're all shouting at is a bald guy eating food from Arby's.  He looks at them, a bit weirded out at first, but he gives a smile.  The message that this commercial sends is that catcalling is a compliment.  This commercial encourages men to catcall women.  It says that this is how men behave in our society, but the fact that the actual catcalling in this commercial is being directed towards a man says something else.  It says that this is not dehumanizing, but complimenting.  All the women who've experienced catcalling on a regular basis, however, will tell you that it is sometimes downright scary.

There's another commercial that comes to mind, which seems completely innocent in comparison, but it isn't.  It's an AT&T Commercial.  In it, the viewer sees a future president, with his parents looking at each other and smiling.  It flashes back through the lives of the president-to-be and parents, going all the way back to the two parents meeting.  The way they meet is the man sees the woman on a train.  They make eye contact, the man changes his travel plan on his phone, gets on the train, and sits next to her.  On the surface, this doesn't seem sexist at all.  However, there are some points that need to be made.

As mentioned above, if this was in a society where women didn't deal with sexual harassment on a regular basis, and didn't frequently fear being sexually assaulted in public places, this commercial would possibly be perfectly fine.  However, we do not live in such a society.  A bigger problem is that this commercial gives unrealistic expectations on how romances begin.  There might have been relationships that started out on a bus or a train.  However, they've likely started from casual small talk, rather than from a man looking at a woman, finding her beautiful, and suddenly running on the train, in awe of her beauty.  We're taught that relationships begin from a man randomly crossing paths with a woman, being in awe of her beauty, and she magically falls in love.  However, that is not how these things happen.

Although we as men have to look at our past actions and realize that we are all to blame for the sexual abuse that women face, we also need to look at the sources of that problem, and find ways to rid our patriarchal society of his many faces.  We also need to try to understand how women experience the world, and be aware of that.

"Me Too" is Our Fault

This was the first blog post I wrote on sexual misconduct and misogyny.  It's what lead to me putting together this blog page.  I've made a couple of edits to this since first posting it, and I made edits to this after putting it onto this page, adding stories that I'd remembered later on, which I thought were important to include.  I would say enjoy, but that feels weird to say about something written on such a serious topic.  Here it is:

Like many other people on Facebook, on Sunday the 15th and Monday the 16th of October 2017, my News Feed was filled with women posting "Me too."  It was based on a status saying "If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote 'Me too.' as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem."  It felt like half of the women on my friend list posted some sort of variant on "Me too."  It then felt like nearly every woman that I was friends with on Facebook posted that.

One of my friends, on her "Me too" post, put a comment below that said:

Let me translate that.

'If the victims would just all get it together to say something all at the same time, maybe then somebody will listen.'

If the victims would  

It's on the victims 

It's on (statistically) women.

SUGGESTION FOR REPLACED LANGUAGE:

"If all the men who have sexually assaulted, harassed, or coerced women into sex, allowed it to happen without doing anything about it, or ever gaslighted a woman about it, wrote 'Me too' as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem."

As a side note, that friend also shared an article which I'll be bringing up at the end as well.  When going back to the comment, she had a huge point with that comment.  I had already known about some of the things I'd done in my past, and some of the times where I should have stepped in and done something.  However, this time, seeing the massive number of women opening up about having been victimized really woke me up to it in a way that it hadn't before.  I also came across an article that one man wrote, explaining that he was one of the reasons that some of those women might be posting "Me too."  However, he didn't see himself as one of "those guys."  Many of us men look like saints in comparison to cat callers, rapists, and those jerks that grope women.  However, we've done terrible things as well.  In comparison to that article, and many other men, I possibly do look like a saint, but when really thinking about it, I've been the guy that should be called "creep."

I'm sharing stories about what I've done, not as a way of confessing, but to show that not all harassment is obvious.  Much of the time, we don't realize that we're harassing women.  Something to note is that during much of this time, I was a virgin, and my intentions were to remain a virgin until I found that one special someone.  I even had the plan for us to be in a relationship for several years before having sex.  This is one of the reasons that I saw myself as different from all those other men.  They just wanted sex, but I respected women as people.  Something else to mention is that on a personal level, the people that I probably developed some of the best connections with as friends were women.  I'd hear about victims of rape or catcalling, and I would feel so sorry for the women.

While being someone who would seemingly be a strong ally to all the women saying "me too," I was at the same time being the man that they'd say "me too" about.  There are also more stories than what I'm including here.

Here are a few of the things I've done.

• When I was in fourth grade, we went on a field trip to a roller skating rink.  I tried doing the moonwalk on roller skates, and I accidentally bumped into a girl in the fifth grade.  My upper back hit her butt.  She was upset, and there were others around her who were upset with me as well.  A girl in my class pulled me aside, had me look her in the eyes.  She asked if I apologized and told her it was an accident.  Although I hadn't, I lied and told her I did.
  Why is this a problem?  We all know that telling lies are bad.  That's not the problem.  Yes, accidents like that happen, so that's not the problem.  Women deal with sexual harassment on a regular basis, which means that accidental touches can easily be looked upon as sexual harassment.  Apologizing and explaining that it was an accident are important to do when that is the case.
• During high school, there was a virtual internet world where I'd invented an alias.  The people who would use it would design cartoon figures that would represent them, and their cartoon figures would click buttons or type out actions to do certain things.  My first time using it, I used a kissing feature on a woman, another woman threw a cake at me, and I said "I'm in the mood to piss people off."  Several other times, I lied to women who I claimed I was with, had virtual sex with them, and I'd break up with them the next day.  I might have other stories I don't remember.
  Why is this a problem?  Although it wasn't physical harassment, the same attitude was expressed.  Just because it didn't happen physically doesn't mean that there was no emotional impact.
• During college, I'd take the public bus to school and back.  I'd look at women on the bus.  I'd stare at them through the window after they got off.  I'd look at them.  There were even cases where I'd run to the bus stop right after class, to make sure I'd catch the same bus as one that one young woman would also ride.  Another semester, I made sure I'd get up extra early to catch the early bus, as there were two young women on that one.
  Why is this a problem?  Many people might ask what's wrong with just looking.  Does that mean you must overt your eyes?  No, you don't need to overt your eyes.  Looking may possibly be fine if you're being incredibly discreet, but it's better to look somewhere else.  Women deal with sexual harassment and the fear of rape while in public places, as it is something that does happen to nearly every woman.  Having strange men staring at them is heavily discomforting.
• What showed me the problems of staring was a short video that a friend posted onto Facebook.  The other thing that impacted me was a comment from one of her relatives, saying words to the effect of "It's not a turn on.  It's creepy."
• I realized since first writing this that I was comparatively discreet towards the women mentioned above, as I wanted to avoid hearing some sort of "Oooh.  You're in love" comments.  It was when I saw other men staring at women out in public where I concluded that it wasn't so embarrassing.  I didn't think about the fact that the women would be uncomfortable with so many people looking at them.  Having said that, however, there are now several times that I recall where I heavily stared at certain women on the bus, and even at school, without even noticing that I was doing it.  I also remember another woman that I was more conscious about, and I now better understand the look of fear that I always saw on her face.  I didn't understand why she always seemed scared, sometimes seemingly of me, but I definitely understand now.
• I was a guitar performance major, so I was always taking my guitar to and from school.  There was one time, possibly one of my first days of college, where I happened to be sitting next to a woman I found attractive.  I always had to hold my guitar between my legs on the bus.  While sitting next to her, I pretended that my guitar was forcing my legs to be spread far apart, and I had my left leg pushed up against her.  When she was on the phone, she used affectionate names for the person she was talking to, who was possibly her husband.  That may have been a likely hint for me to move my leg away from her.  Regardless, my excuse was that my guitar was pushing my leg against hers.  After that, every time she and I would make eye contact at the bus stop, she would definitely not look too happy to see me.
  Why is this a problem?  Even with a guitar as an excuse, it is creepy having one's leg rubbed up against by a complete stranger.
• I had a gig on guitar.  One guy who loved my music so much bought me three beers, and a drink that I had no idea what it was.  It was also my first time having any alcohol in at least a month.  Later that night, there was a DJ doing dance music.  I was extremely drunk and not keeping it a secret, but I also had a few dance moves up my sleeve.  A lot of people were cheering me on.  Although I kept my distance somewhat, there was one woman who I kept getting close to while dancing.  I might have kept my distance a little bit, but it was obvious that I was trying to get her to dance with me.
  Why is this a problem?  Stranger + extremely drunk + continuously moving towards you = SUPERCREEP!!!  Duh!  Should be common sense.
• After further thought on this, I was thinking about how people use the "he was drunk" excuse when a woman comes forward about being sexually assaulted.  In my case, even while extremely drunk, I knew not to even touch someone.  The same could be said for another night where I was super drunk and partying at a club.  "He was drunk" is not a good excuse.  I'm not saying that what I did here was okay.  It definitely wasn't.  However, this is to point out that being drunk is no excuse for assaulting women.
  
• While selling tickets for a local performing arts event, I said "I can deal with the next customer."  The next customer was a woman who said "Deal with me?"  I then stumbled, thinking of something to say, and then I said, in a gentle and soothing voice "No, I can take care of you."  She looked discomforted and I repeated that, "I can take care of you."
  Why is this a problem?  Saying in such a way that you can take care of a woman is belittling her, and most women today see themselves as strong and empowered, able to take care of themselves.  Add to that, she was there to buy a ticket to a show, not have a guy try to make himself seem like this big shot macho whatever.
• This isn't a story, but something to set up the context for the rest of these stories.  There's a men's dance group that I perform with out at the local Renaissance Festival.  We have a dance that we do around a woman from the audience.  After we do the dance, we each line up to kiss her on the hand, and then the line goes through twice.  To set up the context for these stories, something that we did was, after some of us would kiss her on the hand, we'd maybe do variants.  One member of the group would suck on her knuckles.  I would kiss her on the hand, pull away, move back down to kiss her above the hand, and move up the arm.  By the end, she'd probably have two men kissing each arm, other men behind her kissing her neck, and she'd be surrounded by all these men.
• There was one time where we did that dance around a woman.  She seemed to enjoy it like all other women seemingly had.  At the end, one of our dancers was the one to escort her away, commenting that it was his sister.  A couple of years later, we found out that although she was seemingly happy with our behavior there, she was pretty upset afterwards when talking with her brother.
  Why is this a problem?  Several women have trained themselves to pretend that they're happy in situations that are probably extremely discomforting.  It is for safety, as some men get violent when women express disinterest.  Other times, it's because society has taught them to accept this status quo.
• When we were dancing at random spots at the Renaissance Festival, there was a woman in a slightly revealing costume just minding her own business.  We quickly asked her to come and be in the middle for that dance which I mentioned already.  She said "I don't know what's going on."  We did the dance, but I noticed that she wasn't someone who was especially enthusiastic beforehand.  When we went around to kiss her, I did a single kiss on the hand.
  Why is this a problem?  This represents one of the big problems of how it was approached.  Done without consent or any explanation of what was going on.  The woman was polite, but regardless, she was clearly uncomfortable.
• There was a woman who saw our first two performances that day.  When she was in the audience, waiting for the next show, a few of our dancers went up to her.  One sat on her left, one sat on her right, there may have been one or two behind her, but where could I sit?  I'm short, so I asked if I could sit on her lap.  She said yes.  Afterwards, another one of our dancers walked up, and she offered him her other knee.  She saw the show.  Afterwards, some of us went back to her, and I walked up to her, planning only to say hi.  However, she uncrossed her legs as soon as she saw me, so that I could sit on her lap again.  After about ten or fifteen minutes, one of the other dancers struggled to pull me off of her lap, and he eventually succeeded.  She commented that it was actually kind of nice being able to make eye contact.  Unfortunately, the new way I positioned myself was right next to her, with my arm around her. I found out later on that she wasn't too comfortable with the situation.
  Why is this a problem?  This could be considered a miscommunication and an obvious 20/20 hindsight situation.  However, spending ten to fifteen minutes sitting in the lap of someone you just met?  The big problem is when someone makes a comment expressing relief of being split apart, you shouldn't get back to being that close physically.
• Our dance group actually has another dance where we invite a woman onto the stage, give her a seat to watch a dance from there, where we each take turns doing something to show off for her, and at the end, it's the same kisses on the hand thing.  At one of our shows, there was someone who wasn't in our group who got in line with us, dipped the woman, and gave her a huge kiss on the lips.  I hadn't seen that to be okay, but she didn't seem to express any anger.  When a bachelorette party came to one of our shows, we did that dance for the bride-to-be, did the dance, and when it came to be my turn, I made that same attempt.  However, she resisted with hysterical laughter, so I gave her multiple kisses on the cheek.
  Why is this a problem?  I can't believe it took months before I remembered this story, as it is possibly the worst of them.  People might say that I accommodated to her resistance, but I shouldn't have made that attempt in the first place.  The bigger lesson here is that you shouldn't watch what other men do and emulate it.  Just because someone does something and gets away with it doesn't mean it's okay.  I didn't realize my male privilege at the time, and I should have been more aware.
• Our dance group sometimes ends our show where we dance off the stage in a line, and get into a circle around someone or something off the stage.  One time, we did that around a couple of women.  After the dance ended, one of our members kissed them each on the hand.  As I saw their giggles, I kissed one of them on the hand and moved up the arm, and the next one, I kissed on the hand, ready to move up the arm, but I stopped and said "Hey, you're wearing long sleeves.
  Why is this a problem?  When people are surrounding you, it's scary to say 'no.'  They might have felt pressured into it, and it all happened really fast.  Also, my comment that one of them was wearing long sleeves also perpetuates rape culture.  It implies women should dress more modestly to avoid rape, harassment, or being kissed up the arm.  No, men should keep their hands and mouths to themselves.
• There was a Christian preacher who just started working at our local Renaissance Festival, and as a Christian, I was excited to have a positive example of a Christian in this community.  In a Facebook group, someone posted a picture of him, and a couple of women posted comments about how creepy they found him.  My assumption was that they were assigning baggage on him, associating him with people like Pat Robertson or Catholic priests.  Someone else posted a comment saying to be careful, that he's a real person and part of that community.  To make matters worse, I tagged him in that picture, so he could post a comment in response.  A couple of years later, I found out that he'd been fired for sexual harassment, and we were asked to keep an eye on him.  I then understood exactly why those women posted their comments.
  Why is this a problem?  Several women are afraid to speak up about being sexually assaulted or harassed by someone who is heavily admired.  When a woman refers to someone as being creepy, we don't know if he's done something to her.  What I did was silence victims by posting those comments, and it made it even worse by tagging him.
• Since then, the Renaissance Festival lost it's files about him.  He returned, and I immediately reported him to safety services.  I was told that he'd apparently never worked there, and had always just been a patron.  I heard other stuff when I reported things to the director of operations, that he needed a firsthand account.  When I posted onto Facebook that he needed to be reported, it was pointed out that people had already given firsthand accounts, but that wasn't enough.  This seems to be a common problem.
• Something on the positive end.  I've wished I could find all the women in these stories and apologize.  I apologized to one of the two women here, and she's forgiven me.
  

We've talked about things I'd done.  Now let's talk about things other people have done, where I should have stepped in.

• There have been several times on the bus where a man, sometimes drunk, has tried to get with a woman.  She'd always mention that she had a boyfriend or a husband, and the man would either say that she was lying or he'd make a comment that it couldn't work out with whoever she was with.  Even though saying that she was taken meant that she wasn't available to him, he'd just dismiss it.
  Why is this a problem?  When a woman tells a guy that she's married or in a relationship, regardless of whether she's lying or not, it means that she's not interested in the man hitting on her.  She's in an uncomfortable situation with a man trying to make a move on her without any consideration towards her feelings.
• This one is not sexual harassment or sexual assault, but it definitely needs to be included, as it is commonly practiced abuse.  At the train station, there was a man yelling at his wife and child.  I looked, wondering if I should try to help out.  The man yelled at me, saying that if I kept looking, he'd beat me up.  For my own safety, I looked the other way.
  Why is this a problem?  Why that guy's behavior is bad should be a given, but not doing anything?  Many would advise to refrain for one's own safety, but if you have a cell phone, call 911.
• Another time on the bus, there were a couple of guys right next to me, conversing about all the women that they've slept with, pretty loudly as well.  I was looking around at the crowd of people, including several discomforted women.  I was thinking of jumping in, but I was too scared.
  Why is this a problem?  Such a conversation might not be directed to women, but a conversation so heavily objectifying women feeds rape culture.  It is especially discomforting when several women are right there listening to it.
• There have been several times where I've witnessed catcalling.  I've always been too scared to do anything.
  Why is this a problem?  It's discomforting to women, as there's also the fear of sexual assault, and letting men continue to do it just lets the problem continue existing.  It humiliates them, and it belittles them.  It is not a compliment.
• There was one time where I was walking through the city late at night.  I walked past a man staring at a woman.  She looked extremely uncomfortable.  I was tempted to go up to the man and tell him that she looked uncomfortable with him staring.  However, rather than being scared, my concern was that it would bring too much attention to the woman, as this was out in public.
  Why is this a problem?  There's already unwanted attention on the woman.  Someone standing up for her, concerned about her comfort, is something that, regardless of what attention it puts onto her, can be comforting.

Two positive stories.

• Our dance group had discussions on how several women have been discomforted by our behavior, so we decided to add policies to make sure that they were comfortable.  One of us would talk with her beforehand about what would happen, make sure we selected someone comfortable with it all, and the kiss be limited to just one on the hand.  We did all of that for a woman in a fairy costume.  Afterwards, she sat back down, with a huge smile on her face, and she pulled part of her costume away to show off her legs.  As she didn't fit all of Hollywood's ideas of beauty, I had the thought that we may have helped her overcome some of her insecurities.
  What's the message?  Consent is a big thing, and when that's a major part, what is experienced can be extremely positive.
• Another time on the bus (a lot of these stories seem to happen on the bus), I heard a woman expressing discomfort in a man's behavior towards her.  I turned around and said that she seemed to be uncomfortable with what he was doing.  The woman said "I already scolded him, but thank you."  When she got off the bus, she again thanked me.
  What's the message?  Even when a woman can take care of herself, it does give a sense of comfort with there being someone else to stick up for her.

Something to note is that during my times of staring at women, during my ticket selling encounter, and during my drunken dance, I was someone who believed that women should be strong and empowered.  I complained about the sexism that exists in our society.  Yet, I was also contributing to it without realizing it.  If you think that not all men are part of the problem, unless you're a woman, you might want to look at things you've done and times when you haven't stood up.  However, when we discover our faults and try to deal with them, or when we stick up for those who are being victimized, it can be a huge payoff.

There are many things that can be done.  This article, mentioned at the beginning, gives insight, and it also has links to some other writings.