The day the #MeToo movement went viral, I decided to finally commit myself to doing things to take action in my daily life. I made a point to take the bus more often, so that in case I'd see a situation of a woman being sexually harassed, I could actually step in and do something. I also would point out the problems of certain posts on social media when seeing them. Here are a few stories of my stumbles and my successes.
- Although this was not an issue of sexual misconduct or "locker room talk," my thoughts on the need to step in, when it came to sexual harassment, motivated me here. This was the day after I saw several #MeToo posts, and there were still many being posted. My mind was fully on sexual misconduct. While on the bus, a couple of men were having a conversation about a woman who said she wanted to slap one of the men. I have no clue what they were talking about, but they said a lot of swear words, and there were children looking on. After a while, I finally commented that there were children looking on, and that this wasn't the place for swear words. They understood and agreed. Wondering if their conversation was objectifying a woman or whatever, I tried to see if there was something else to call out. When asking one of the men what the story was, he said "You served your purpose."
- When I'd just gotten on the bus, there was a woman saying to a guy words to the effect of "Why are you coming onto me? I don't even know you." I then started to gently tell him that he might want to leave her alone. Right after that, the woman said to him "You know I'm kidding you." I then apologized for jumping in. They didn't give any direct responses to me at all, but I was a bit embarrassed and relieved. Being embarrassed shouldn't be a problem. It's always risky, but embarrassment is not the biggest worry.
- Another time on the bus, a couple of men were having a conversation. I eventually overheard one of them saying "she has a nice ass." I said words to the effect of "Guys, this is not the most appropriate place to be having this conversation." One of them asked why, and I asked if they were talking about the body parts of women. One of them said, "No, we're just expressing facts." One of them afterwards said "You can go somewhere else." I apologized for what I said. Something I regretted soon afterwards was how I expressed disapproval. Instead of simply saying "this is not appropriate," where it comes off as anti-sex, I could have pointed out that women are people, not sexual objects, and that women should be spoken about as people, not butts with legs.
- While walking down the street late at night, there was a woman walking in front of me. When she and I were crossing the street at the same time, I walked more away from her. After crossing, I walked to the side, stood on the corner of the sidewalk to let her get ahead, and then I started walking in the direction I'd intended to go. This was something that one post mentioned on a way to take action. Several women have valid reason to be scared when there's a man walking behind them late at night. I didn't know that it was something to make much of a difference, but there have been people who've said that it really does.
- After the previous few moments, I'd become disappointed with the fact that I wasn't encountering too many situations. However, one evening, late at night on the bus, there was a woman who got off, and a man stared at her through the window. I commented to him that most women are creeped out by random men staring at them. He smiled. I then said it's okay to look if you're discreet. He smiled again. Admittedly, I'm unsure if he knew English.
- Here's the moment where I really felt something. I was walking down the street, and I saw a man staring at a woman's butt as she passed him. Her back was turned to him when he was looking, but I then said "Dude?" and went up to him. I quietly said "Most women are creeped out by random men staring at them." He couldn't hear me, so I got in closer to say it. He still couldn't hear me, so I had to get in closer. When he heard me, he responded by saying that she had a nice ass. I then said that that was definitely uncool of him to say that. He talked about what he wanted to do to her, I said it wasn't cool, and he said "She might like it." He asked if I had a girlfriend, and I said "Because you're asking me this, I can tell you don't." He admitted to it and commented that if he did, he wouldn't have looked at that woman. Around the end, he accused me of being gay and said that the Bible says God made women for men's pleasure. He then walked away before I could say anymore.
- It was a really cold day at the train station, and the first day of snow of the season. It was slippery. There was a woman who walked by, and a man said to her, from a bit of a distance, "Careful don't fall." Admittedly, he did say it in a friendly tone, so I'm sure it came off as innocent. I was thinking it seemed to be unintentionally belittling. I went up to the man, commented that she could take care of herself, and he admitted to agreeing to that. I then commented that most women are creeped out by random men saying things to them. He then said "I suppose." I felt a bit awkward having done so afterwards, and when talking with a few women on that, some didn't see a problem with his remark. Others did, including one who said she'd be more likely to slip and fall if a man made that comment out of the blue. Whether what he did was fine or not, my mom pointed out that it was at least a good moment to educate him.
- Late at night, I got on the bus, and there were a few guys who were drunk getting on at the same time as me. I had a feeling that if there was a woman who'd get on, something would happen. I had my eyes on them the whole time. When a woman came on, my prediction was confirmed. The loudest of them said "Hey" to a woman. I said, "Dude, not cool." He told me to mind my own business. I then said "Most women are..." and he immediately interrupted me, saying "There is no most women!" I saw the woman, able to mind her own business, turning around looking on in possible confusion, but looking back to her phone. That man ranted, and another man, seemingly caring for me, gestured in a gentle way for me to be quiet. I was quiet, and they left her alone. When they got off the bus, the one who'd gestured for me to be quiet caressed the woman's back. I stupidly came to the assumption that that meant that he knew her. With the look of fear and confusion I saw on her face, I realized that I was wrong.
- On another late night bus ride, there was a woman who I saw get on, fit most of Hollywood's ideas of beauty, wore a fashionable coat, and sat down. I took a quick look at her, and then looked away. When I was walking towards the door to get off the bus, there was dude sitting in front of her. He turned around, and spent a bit of time looking at her, but then he turned back. I went up to him, said "Dude?" I then quietly said, with hopes that the woman wouldn't hear me, "Most women are discomforted by men staring at them." He said "Huh?" I went in closer and said it. He still couldn't hear me, so I whispered again a third time. He then said "I'm not." I then walked away, towards the doors. The next moment, he turned around to her and said "Hey." I said, "Dude, not cool." He then said "Shut up! I'm not doing anything!" At that moment, I got off the bus. When I posted this story on Facebook, a couple of women posted comments, commending me. A couple of days later, one said that she disapproved, comparing me with a Muslim who tries to get everyone to follow Sharia law. Another woman messaged me saying that it seemed preemptive, and that she'd be upset about myself and the other. Thinking about it, I probably didn't need to comment at him about staring. It is a complex issue.
- There was a night on the bus, I saw a man with his arm around a woman. I was trying to see if they were together as a couple or not. I was looking at them from behind, so I couldn't really say. The woman did not have positive facial expressions from what I could tell. After that, the man put his hand down the back of the woman's shirt. Then he stopped. I then walked up to them, pretending I was on my way off the bus, and I asked the man if they were together. He said they were, and asked why I was asking. I first said "No reason." I then said that it was actually because sexual harassment is really common, and I get really uneasy when I see things that resemble it. I then got off the bus. I've since then thought I could have done something else.
- I was having a conversation on the bus with a dude about all sorts of things. I then mentioned a woman who I'm friends with, and the first words he said when hearing this friend was a woman were "Are you banging her?!" I stumbled a bit with words, and I then gently commented on how that sort of talk was not really respectful to her. What's interesting is afterwards, he said some insightful things on the issue, and actually had a decent discussion about sexual misconduct and misogyny.
- There was a dude at the bus station who was just obnoxious already. I had my guitar with me, he made comments that I probably couldn't really play. I was tired and not in the mood, so my reaction was a bit extreme. I gave him the finger. He was pissed, and then several people got off the bus. There was a woman walking by, and he said "Hey baby!" I responded by saying "Dude? Not cool." He also ranted to some of his friends who'd just shown up about how I'd given him the finger, and one of them tried to block me from getting leaving. To his credit, he told that friend to let me go. My reaction to his remarks about my guitar was extreme, but I was also thinking about how women experience that sort of stuff all the time. So far, it had been the only time when calling someone out for sexual harassment where I had a bit of fear for my safety, but I was fine. Also, what really caused the problem there was that I already pissed the dude off.
- Later that day, I was arriving at the train station, where a man and a woman were conversing. The woman had a mildly discomforted look on her face. I said, "Dude, she looks uncomfortable," but she then said, that it was okay and she was talking with him. I apologized.
- Even later that day, I saw a male saying something to a woman. I turned around and said that wasn't cool. He then said he was talking to his brother on the phone. I then apologized. It was still a good precaution to take.
- I've regularly caught men staring at women, my typical response has now been to stare at the man when he's staring at the woman. He soon notices me looking at the woman, and he looks away from the woman, possibly feeling a bit embarrassed.
- I've regularly posted comments on sexist Facebook posts, and this isn't just sexism. Although I don't see as many of them, there have been a couple of transphobic posts as well, and maybe a homophobic post or two. Typically, sexism seems to reign supreme. Usually the posts are intended to be humorous. I've regularly acknowledged the intention, but commented on the problem. Sometimes, I've instead typed "Dude? Really?" Sometimes when someone posts a comment, I've made that comment. One time, someone deleted the post, messaged me, thanking me for pointing that out, and apologizing. Another time, someone said he was genuinely sorry for that comment. A couple of men have blocked me, some have unfriended me, and one, I've gotten into arguments with. Some of them possibly don't realize that their posts are sexist, and take their male privilege for granted. This stuff is so deeply ingrained into our society. One of them, his post was something I possibly clicked 'like' on a few years ago, when I saw another posting of it. His attitude might have been a case of me just being negative, and he didn't need that. I've dealt with ridicule, but there has also been some good payoff. Sometimes, posts fall in the gray areas, and I don't always know whether I should comment or not. I can only say that I'm trying my best.
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