Beginning to Take Action (Part 2: That One Moment)

Since the #MeToo movement went viral in October 2017, I've been doing various things in my life to take action.  When seeing Facebook posts that are supposedly funny, but they come across as perpetuating a sexist mentality, I've gotten pretty comfortable with posting a comment in response.  I've tried making a point of taking the bus or train more often, as that's where I'd typically seen women being sexually harassed.  There have been times where I've stumbled and fallen when stepping in, and there have been times where I've found out things were okay.  However, there's one moment where I felt a huge payoff.

On Tuesday mornings, I play music at a care center for people with cognitive disabilities.  The building is right next to one of the train stops, and I have easy access to the train.  On one morning, there was a woman on the train, listening to music, minding her own business.  A male who had been sitting behind her went up to her and pulled one of her earbuds out of her ear.  He then said something to her while moving in close, as she moved her head closer to the window, as far away from him as she could, but that wasn't far.  She was backed against the wall.  He also pulled on her scarf.

I shouted to him, "Dude?"  He didn't hear me.  I then walked up to him, carrying my guitar, and said "Dude?  She really looks uncomfortable."  He then told me that she was his girlfriend, said that if she needed help, she'd ask for it.  He then told me to just sit and play my music.  When I looked at her, I saw a smile on her face.  That dude then violently threatened me, and so I sat down at the seat I happened to now be closest to.

I was now facing away from them.  The dude was back to what he was doing to the woman, now ranting to her about me.  I turned around a few times, looking back at them.  Even though things were just the same as they'd been before I stepped in, the woman now had a smile on her face.

When it was almost time for me to get off the train, the dude said "You got a problem with me?"

I said "No."

"Why do you keep looking at me?"

"No reason," I replied.

A moment later, it was time for me to get off the train.  I wanted to look back, but I was worried.  Even though his behavior wasn't any different, and even though he continued doing what he was doing to the woman, I felt an urge to smile.  For some reason, I felt good about something.  However, as they were able to see me through the window, I wanted to keep myself from smiling.  The train drove off, and while spending the next hour, playing music for people with cognitive disabilities, I was thinking about the woman.  I wondered what her thoughts were.  What did she really think?

After finishing up at the care center, I took the train home.  When I got home, I felt the need to post a status on Facebook about that encounter.  I told that story, and I ended by saying:

Maybe I should have stood my ground more, but I don't know. Maybe there are better ways I could have handled the situation. I also wonder if things got worse for her after I got off the train. I sometimes wonder if she was actually fine, and her smile was because her boyfriend was threatening me. That final guess seems unlikely, the more I think about it. 

To men reading this, let this be a motivation for you to possibly step in when you see something like this. I'm 4'11" and I'm not someone who is confrontational or able to defend myself. I'm a total wimp. You're probably better equipped to step in than me.

There were several responses saying that I did what I could have, and there were several people who clicked 'like' or even 'love' on it.  That afternoon, when I did volunteer work for my friend Anna, she said that she thanks me on behalf of that woman and all women.

As I did imply that criticism on how I could better handle these situations would be useful, I received a little bit.  A couple of people commented that I should have asked her if she needed any help first, and given her a chance to speak.  Others responded, saying that doing that could, on the contrary, be putting her into more danger or an even more discomforting situation.  They said that what I did was how I should have done it.

The other comment on something I could have done differently came from my friend Anna.  She pointed out that when the dude asked if I had a problem with him, I should have responded by saying "Only if she does."

When talking with my mom about what happened, however, she commented that I was possibly, once again, over-analyzing, which is something I regularly do.  I did what I could.  After all of that, what I thought of most was the smile on that woman's face when I jumped in, and even though it changed nothing in the dude's actions, it might have brightened the woman's day.

After having spent much time wishing I could find and apologize to the women I've victimized, it's become comforting to think about a woman I stuck up for, wondering if she wishes she could find me to thank me.  Even though she couldn't thank me, Tamara on my friend list thanked me with these wonderful words:

As someone who has longed for someone to do anything at all I very sincerely thank you. Thank you. Thank you for doing what was literally in your power to the best of your abilities, thank you for posting about it, and thank you for the future where you'll only get better at it and inspire others to do it too. Thank you.