"Me Too" is Our Fault

This was the first blog post I wrote on sexual misconduct and misogyny.  It's what lead to me putting together this blog page.  I've made a couple of edits to this since first posting it, and I made edits to this after putting it onto this page, adding stories that I'd remembered later on, which I thought were important to include.  I would say enjoy, but that feels weird to say about something written on such a serious topic.  Here it is:

Like many other people on Facebook, on Sunday the 15th and Monday the 16th of October 2017, my News Feed was filled with women posting "Me too."  It was based on a status saying "If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote 'Me too.' as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem."  It felt like half of the women on my friend list posted some sort of variant on "Me too."  It then felt like nearly every woman that I was friends with on Facebook posted that.

One of my friends, on her "Me too" post, put a comment below that said:

Let me translate that.

'If the victims would just all get it together to say something all at the same time, maybe then somebody will listen.'

If the victims would  

It's on the victims 

It's on (statistically) women.

SUGGESTION FOR REPLACED LANGUAGE:

"If all the men who have sexually assaulted, harassed, or coerced women into sex, allowed it to happen without doing anything about it, or ever gaslighted a woman about it, wrote 'Me too' as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem."

As a side note, that friend also shared an article which I'll be bringing up at the end as well.  When going back to the comment, she had a huge point with that comment.  I had already known about some of the things I'd done in my past, and some of the times where I should have stepped in and done something.  However, this time, seeing the massive number of women opening up about having been victimized really woke me up to it in a way that it hadn't before.  I also came across an article that one man wrote, explaining that he was one of the reasons that some of those women might be posting "Me too."  However, he didn't see himself as one of "those guys."  Many of us men look like saints in comparison to cat callers, rapists, and those jerks that grope women.  However, we've done terrible things as well.  In comparison to that article, and many other men, I possibly do look like a saint, but when really thinking about it, I've been the guy that should be called "creep."

I'm sharing stories about what I've done, not as a way of confessing, but to show that not all harassment is obvious.  Much of the time, we don't realize that we're harassing women.  Something to note is that during much of this time, I was a virgin, and my intentions were to remain a virgin until I found that one special someone.  I even had the plan for us to be in a relationship for several years before having sex.  This is one of the reasons that I saw myself as different from all those other men.  They just wanted sex, but I respected women as people.  Something else to mention is that on a personal level, the people that I probably developed some of the best connections with as friends were women.  I'd hear about victims of rape or catcalling, and I would feel so sorry for the women.

While being someone who would seemingly be a strong ally to all the women saying "me too," I was at the same time being the man that they'd say "me too" about.  There are also more stories than what I'm including here.

Here are a few of the things I've done.

• When I was in fourth grade, we went on a field trip to a roller skating rink.  I tried doing the moonwalk on roller skates, and I accidentally bumped into a girl in the fifth grade.  My upper back hit her butt.  She was upset, and there were others around her who were upset with me as well.  A girl in my class pulled me aside, had me look her in the eyes.  She asked if I apologized and told her it was an accident.  Although I hadn't, I lied and told her I did.
  Why is this a problem?  We all know that telling lies are bad.  That's not the problem.  Yes, accidents like that happen, so that's not the problem.  Women deal with sexual harassment on a regular basis, which means that accidental touches can easily be looked upon as sexual harassment.  Apologizing and explaining that it was an accident are important to do when that is the case.
• During high school, there was a virtual internet world where I'd invented an alias.  The people who would use it would design cartoon figures that would represent them, and their cartoon figures would click buttons or type out actions to do certain things.  My first time using it, I used a kissing feature on a woman, another woman threw a cake at me, and I said "I'm in the mood to piss people off."  Several other times, I lied to women who I claimed I was with, had virtual sex with them, and I'd break up with them the next day.  I might have other stories I don't remember.
  Why is this a problem?  Although it wasn't physical harassment, the same attitude was expressed.  Just because it didn't happen physically doesn't mean that there was no emotional impact.
• During college, I'd take the public bus to school and back.  I'd look at women on the bus.  I'd stare at them through the window after they got off.  I'd look at them.  There were even cases where I'd run to the bus stop right after class, to make sure I'd catch the same bus as one that one young woman would also ride.  Another semester, I made sure I'd get up extra early to catch the early bus, as there were two young women on that one.
  Why is this a problem?  Many people might ask what's wrong with just looking.  Does that mean you must overt your eyes?  No, you don't need to overt your eyes.  Looking may possibly be fine if you're being incredibly discreet, but it's better to look somewhere else.  Women deal with sexual harassment and the fear of rape while in public places, as it is something that does happen to nearly every woman.  Having strange men staring at them is heavily discomforting.
• What showed me the problems of staring was a short video that a friend posted onto Facebook.  The other thing that impacted me was a comment from one of her relatives, saying words to the effect of "It's not a turn on.  It's creepy."
• I realized since first writing this that I was comparatively discreet towards the women mentioned above, as I wanted to avoid hearing some sort of "Oooh.  You're in love" comments.  It was when I saw other men staring at women out in public where I concluded that it wasn't so embarrassing.  I didn't think about the fact that the women would be uncomfortable with so many people looking at them.  Having said that, however, there are now several times that I recall where I heavily stared at certain women on the bus, and even at school, without even noticing that I was doing it.  I also remember another woman that I was more conscious about, and I now better understand the look of fear that I always saw on her face.  I didn't understand why she always seemed scared, sometimes seemingly of me, but I definitely understand now.
• I was a guitar performance major, so I was always taking my guitar to and from school.  There was one time, possibly one of my first days of college, where I happened to be sitting next to a woman I found attractive.  I always had to hold my guitar between my legs on the bus.  While sitting next to her, I pretended that my guitar was forcing my legs to be spread far apart, and I had my left leg pushed up against her.  When she was on the phone, she used affectionate names for the person she was talking to, who was possibly her husband.  That may have been a likely hint for me to move my leg away from her.  Regardless, my excuse was that my guitar was pushing my leg against hers.  After that, every time she and I would make eye contact at the bus stop, she would definitely not look too happy to see me.
  Why is this a problem?  Even with a guitar as an excuse, it is creepy having one's leg rubbed up against by a complete stranger.
• I had a gig on guitar.  One guy who loved my music so much bought me three beers, and a drink that I had no idea what it was.  It was also my first time having any alcohol in at least a month.  Later that night, there was a DJ doing dance music.  I was extremely drunk and not keeping it a secret, but I also had a few dance moves up my sleeve.  A lot of people were cheering me on.  Although I kept my distance somewhat, there was one woman who I kept getting close to while dancing.  I might have kept my distance a little bit, but it was obvious that I was trying to get her to dance with me.
  Why is this a problem?  Stranger + extremely drunk + continuously moving towards you = SUPERCREEP!!!  Duh!  Should be common sense.
• After further thought on this, I was thinking about how people use the "he was drunk" excuse when a woman comes forward about being sexually assaulted.  In my case, even while extremely drunk, I knew not to even touch someone.  The same could be said for another night where I was super drunk and partying at a club.  "He was drunk" is not a good excuse.  I'm not saying that what I did here was okay.  It definitely wasn't.  However, this is to point out that being drunk is no excuse for assaulting women.
  
• While selling tickets for a local performing arts event, I said "I can deal with the next customer."  The next customer was a woman who said "Deal with me?"  I then stumbled, thinking of something to say, and then I said, in a gentle and soothing voice "No, I can take care of you."  She looked discomforted and I repeated that, "I can take care of you."
  Why is this a problem?  Saying in such a way that you can take care of a woman is belittling her, and most women today see themselves as strong and empowered, able to take care of themselves.  Add to that, she was there to buy a ticket to a show, not have a guy try to make himself seem like this big shot macho whatever.
• This isn't a story, but something to set up the context for the rest of these stories.  There's a men's dance group that I perform with out at the local Renaissance Festival.  We have a dance that we do around a woman from the audience.  After we do the dance, we each line up to kiss her on the hand, and then the line goes through twice.  To set up the context for these stories, something that we did was, after some of us would kiss her on the hand, we'd maybe do variants.  One member of the group would suck on her knuckles.  I would kiss her on the hand, pull away, move back down to kiss her above the hand, and move up the arm.  By the end, she'd probably have two men kissing each arm, other men behind her kissing her neck, and she'd be surrounded by all these men.
• There was one time where we did that dance around a woman.  She seemed to enjoy it like all other women seemingly had.  At the end, one of our dancers was the one to escort her away, commenting that it was his sister.  A couple of years later, we found out that although she was seemingly happy with our behavior there, she was pretty upset afterwards when talking with her brother.
  Why is this a problem?  Several women have trained themselves to pretend that they're happy in situations that are probably extremely discomforting.  It is for safety, as some men get violent when women express disinterest.  Other times, it's because society has taught them to accept this status quo.
• When we were dancing at random spots at the Renaissance Festival, there was a woman in a slightly revealing costume just minding her own business.  We quickly asked her to come and be in the middle for that dance which I mentioned already.  She said "I don't know what's going on."  We did the dance, but I noticed that she wasn't someone who was especially enthusiastic beforehand.  When we went around to kiss her, I did a single kiss on the hand.
  Why is this a problem?  This represents one of the big problems of how it was approached.  Done without consent or any explanation of what was going on.  The woman was polite, but regardless, she was clearly uncomfortable.
• There was a woman who saw our first two performances that day.  When she was in the audience, waiting for the next show, a few of our dancers went up to her.  One sat on her left, one sat on her right, there may have been one or two behind her, but where could I sit?  I'm short, so I asked if I could sit on her lap.  She said yes.  Afterwards, another one of our dancers walked up, and she offered him her other knee.  She saw the show.  Afterwards, some of us went back to her, and I walked up to her, planning only to say hi.  However, she uncrossed her legs as soon as she saw me, so that I could sit on her lap again.  After about ten or fifteen minutes, one of the other dancers struggled to pull me off of her lap, and he eventually succeeded.  She commented that it was actually kind of nice being able to make eye contact.  Unfortunately, the new way I positioned myself was right next to her, with my arm around her. I found out later on that she wasn't too comfortable with the situation.
  Why is this a problem?  This could be considered a miscommunication and an obvious 20/20 hindsight situation.  However, spending ten to fifteen minutes sitting in the lap of someone you just met?  The big problem is when someone makes a comment expressing relief of being split apart, you shouldn't get back to being that close physically.
• Our dance group actually has another dance where we invite a woman onto the stage, give her a seat to watch a dance from there, where we each take turns doing something to show off for her, and at the end, it's the same kisses on the hand thing.  At one of our shows, there was someone who wasn't in our group who got in line with us, dipped the woman, and gave her a huge kiss on the lips.  I hadn't seen that to be okay, but she didn't seem to express any anger.  When a bachelorette party came to one of our shows, we did that dance for the bride-to-be, did the dance, and when it came to be my turn, I made that same attempt.  However, she resisted with hysterical laughter, so I gave her multiple kisses on the cheek.
  Why is this a problem?  I can't believe it took months before I remembered this story, as it is possibly the worst of them.  People might say that I accommodated to her resistance, but I shouldn't have made that attempt in the first place.  The bigger lesson here is that you shouldn't watch what other men do and emulate it.  Just because someone does something and gets away with it doesn't mean it's okay.  I didn't realize my male privilege at the time, and I should have been more aware.
• Our dance group sometimes ends our show where we dance off the stage in a line, and get into a circle around someone or something off the stage.  One time, we did that around a couple of women.  After the dance ended, one of our members kissed them each on the hand.  As I saw their giggles, I kissed one of them on the hand and moved up the arm, and the next one, I kissed on the hand, ready to move up the arm, but I stopped and said "Hey, you're wearing long sleeves.
  Why is this a problem?  When people are surrounding you, it's scary to say 'no.'  They might have felt pressured into it, and it all happened really fast.  Also, my comment that one of them was wearing long sleeves also perpetuates rape culture.  It implies women should dress more modestly to avoid rape, harassment, or being kissed up the arm.  No, men should keep their hands and mouths to themselves.
• There was a Christian preacher who just started working at our local Renaissance Festival, and as a Christian, I was excited to have a positive example of a Christian in this community.  In a Facebook group, someone posted a picture of him, and a couple of women posted comments about how creepy they found him.  My assumption was that they were assigning baggage on him, associating him with people like Pat Robertson or Catholic priests.  Someone else posted a comment saying to be careful, that he's a real person and part of that community.  To make matters worse, I tagged him in that picture, so he could post a comment in response.  A couple of years later, I found out that he'd been fired for sexual harassment, and we were asked to keep an eye on him.  I then understood exactly why those women posted their comments.
  Why is this a problem?  Several women are afraid to speak up about being sexually assaulted or harassed by someone who is heavily admired.  When a woman refers to someone as being creepy, we don't know if he's done something to her.  What I did was silence victims by posting those comments, and it made it even worse by tagging him.
• Since then, the Renaissance Festival lost it's files about him.  He returned, and I immediately reported him to safety services.  I was told that he'd apparently never worked there, and had always just been a patron.  I heard other stuff when I reported things to the director of operations, that he needed a firsthand account.  When I posted onto Facebook that he needed to be reported, it was pointed out that people had already given firsthand accounts, but that wasn't enough.  This seems to be a common problem.
• Something on the positive end.  I've wished I could find all the women in these stories and apologize.  I apologized to one of the two women here, and she's forgiven me.
  

We've talked about things I'd done.  Now let's talk about things other people have done, where I should have stepped in.

• There have been several times on the bus where a man, sometimes drunk, has tried to get with a woman.  She'd always mention that she had a boyfriend or a husband, and the man would either say that she was lying or he'd make a comment that it couldn't work out with whoever she was with.  Even though saying that she was taken meant that she wasn't available to him, he'd just dismiss it.
  Why is this a problem?  When a woman tells a guy that she's married or in a relationship, regardless of whether she's lying or not, it means that she's not interested in the man hitting on her.  She's in an uncomfortable situation with a man trying to make a move on her without any consideration towards her feelings.
• This one is not sexual harassment or sexual assault, but it definitely needs to be included, as it is commonly practiced abuse.  At the train station, there was a man yelling at his wife and child.  I looked, wondering if I should try to help out.  The man yelled at me, saying that if I kept looking, he'd beat me up.  For my own safety, I looked the other way.
  Why is this a problem?  Why that guy's behavior is bad should be a given, but not doing anything?  Many would advise to refrain for one's own safety, but if you have a cell phone, call 911.
• Another time on the bus, there were a couple of guys right next to me, conversing about all the women that they've slept with, pretty loudly as well.  I was looking around at the crowd of people, including several discomforted women.  I was thinking of jumping in, but I was too scared.
  Why is this a problem?  Such a conversation might not be directed to women, but a conversation so heavily objectifying women feeds rape culture.  It is especially discomforting when several women are right there listening to it.
• There have been several times where I've witnessed catcalling.  I've always been too scared to do anything.
  Why is this a problem?  It's discomforting to women, as there's also the fear of sexual assault, and letting men continue to do it just lets the problem continue existing.  It humiliates them, and it belittles them.  It is not a compliment.
• There was one time where I was walking through the city late at night.  I walked past a man staring at a woman.  She looked extremely uncomfortable.  I was tempted to go up to the man and tell him that she looked uncomfortable with him staring.  However, rather than being scared, my concern was that it would bring too much attention to the woman, as this was out in public.
  Why is this a problem?  There's already unwanted attention on the woman.  Someone standing up for her, concerned about her comfort, is something that, regardless of what attention it puts onto her, can be comforting.

Two positive stories.

• Our dance group had discussions on how several women have been discomforted by our behavior, so we decided to add policies to make sure that they were comfortable.  One of us would talk with her beforehand about what would happen, make sure we selected someone comfortable with it all, and the kiss be limited to just one on the hand.  We did all of that for a woman in a fairy costume.  Afterwards, she sat back down, with a huge smile on her face, and she pulled part of her costume away to show off her legs.  As she didn't fit all of Hollywood's ideas of beauty, I had the thought that we may have helped her overcome some of her insecurities.
  What's the message?  Consent is a big thing, and when that's a major part, what is experienced can be extremely positive.
• Another time on the bus (a lot of these stories seem to happen on the bus), I heard a woman expressing discomfort in a man's behavior towards her.  I turned around and said that she seemed to be uncomfortable with what he was doing.  The woman said "I already scolded him, but thank you."  When she got off the bus, she again thanked me.
  What's the message?  Even when a woman can take care of herself, it does give a sense of comfort with there being someone else to stick up for her.

Something to note is that during my times of staring at women, during my ticket selling encounter, and during my drunken dance, I was someone who believed that women should be strong and empowered.  I complained about the sexism that exists in our society.  Yet, I was also contributing to it without realizing it.  If you think that not all men are part of the problem, unless you're a woman, you might want to look at things you've done and times when you haven't stood up.  However, when we discover our faults and try to deal with them, or when we stick up for those who are being victimized, it can be a huge payoff.

There are many things that can be done.  This article, mentioned at the beginning, gives insight, and it also has links to some other writings.